Sunday, November 24, 2013

Gimmie Back My Wig

I've been noticing the last little while that my hair is thinning.  I'm not Mr. Clean yet.  Not even really that close.  But I'm seeing more of my scalp than I really want to lately.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.  My mom's dad was fairly bald.  That's the indicator for male-pattern baldness, right?  Your mom's dad?

It's fairly depressing to think I'm gonna lose my hair before I've even conned a poor woman into marrying me.  It's sad to think I may have to start worrying about scalpburn during the summer.  And it's a little bit of a bum out to think that pretty soon I won't be able to whip my hair around in my face while headbanging.  So, to combat that, I've tried to come up with a list of reasons why losing my hair won't be so very bad.


  1. I can compensate for the lack of cranial hair by growing a truly bitchin' viking beard.
  2. I can beat nature to the punch by shaving my head, and apparently the ladies really dig the shave-headed look.
  3. Being bald will put a huge-ass dent in my shampoo expenses.
  4. Decreased drag coefficient.
  5. Professor X is bald and that guy controls peoples' minds.  I won't be able to do that.  I just wanna be included in the same group with Xavier.
  6. Two words: Yul Brynner
  7. Two more words: Telly Savalas
  8. Two more words: Bruce Willis
  9. Two more words: Jason Statham
  10. No more losing my combs to the monster who lives in my clothes dryer.
  11. I can get a tattoo on my skull and folks will actually be able to see it.
  12. Maybe I can even get a tattoo of a skull on my skull.  That would be bad ass.
  13. I could get a job as a bouncer.  Most of those dudes ain't got no hair, right?
  14. Steam rising off your head when it gets cold is pretty cool-looking.
  15. No more bed head.  Ever.
I'm sure there are other advantages to being bald, I'm just spacing on them right now.  Anyway, I'm just writing this because I spent all day writing for NaNoWriMo and now I'm really loopy.  I'll go get some rest and be back when there's more on my mind than hair.

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