Monday, August 25, 2014

Death Ain't Scary Enough

Ok, so you know how I did a post a bit ago where I bemoaned having to be on a diet?  Remember that?  Well, I have completely fallen off the frakking wagon.  I could blame the deep depression I've been slogging through the past two weeks or so.  I could blame Satan for tempting me beyond my ability to resist.  I could blame locusts or toads or frakking Sasquatch.  But I can't because the truth is that death isn't scary enough.

I hear tell that death is strong motivator for many, Many, MANY people.  People stay healthy cuz they don't wanna die.  They do science to keep themselves from dying.  They build monuments to themselves, write their stories down, and create works of art so their memories can live on after their bodies are worm food.

 Don't get me wrong, I'm petrified of the uncertainty that comes along with death.  I'm terrified of never getting everything I want to get done in life done.  But, I'm not so scared that I can avoid a big greasy cheeseburger with a sh*tload of fries and a big ass soft drink.  I still can't turn down pizza, pasta, and cheese-slathered Mexican food.

The root of the problem is that eating is about the only thing lately that makes me happy.  And eating healthy just doesn't do it.  I need 0 nutritional value.  I need stuff that binds up my digestive tract for days on end.  You don't get that kind of satisfaction from cale and tofu.

I guess another part of it is that life has been very rough lately, and I spend a lot of time wishing it was over.  I just don't seem to be able to notch a win at all.  Everything I love about life seems to be turning to sh*t right now.  So death just doesn't seem very scary.  There's gotta be something to hold on to.  I just can't see it right now.  At least when I stuff my face with junk food, my mouth wins, for a little while anyway.  And all it'll cost me is my health.  And possibly my life.  Fair enough.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Random Thoughts - Aug. 11, 2014

Just a few things that have been on my mind recently:

  • Robin William's passing, if it was truly a suicide, is extremely tragic.  Although, truth be told, I'm not too torn up about it.  While I respect the man and his work, I was never a huge fun.  Talk to me when George Lucas or Ozzy Osbourne passes.  I'll have a lot more to say then.  At the same time, I've been very near to suicide several times, even recently.  I know how it feels to be so down you don't see any alternative other than ending it all.  That's a feeling I never want any one to feel, no matter who they are.  I've been hospitalized for depression and anxiety, and it sucks far more than I have the ability to articulate.  I'm truly, deeply sorry anyone goes through similar travails and hope Mr. Williams has now found peace.
  • That hoping-no-person-feels-suicidal thing doesn't apply to Kim Jong-Un.  I hope he gets the super blues and takes a bath with a toaster or steps in front of a speeding bus.  The bat shit crazy bastard.
  • Sometimes I wonder if all the gun rights activists who tell us we can takes their guns when we can pry them from their cold, dead finger realize that the folks on the other side have rights too.  Like the right not to have a gun waved in their face if they happen to cut a gun owner off in traffic.
  • If you offer me a choice between being happy in my career or having money, I'll take being happy every time.  But, gorramitt, it would be nice to have enough extra scratch to buy a ginormous guitar amp or road trip it to Scandinavia to visit my Viking ancestors and see a bunch of kick-ass death metal bands.
  • I still think Ranger Rick could take Rocket Raccoon in a fight.  Rick's freaking resourceful.
  • I recently learned the some Native Americans believe Sasquatch to be able to shape-shift, like Mystique the X-Men villain.  So, if your wife, girlfriend, etc. has mustache, you may now have an explanation.
  • I am against straight people legislating the legality of gay marriage because they don't understand what it's like to be gay.  If you don't understand someone else's life experience, you don't have the right to legislate how they live.  That's like me telling a world-class athlete how they should eat.
  • I used to just try to ignore Disney.  Now that they own basically my whole childhood, I completely despise them.  Up yours, Mouse House!!
  • If you're pissed off about how studios are mucking up your nostalgic favorites, it may be because you don't realize one simple fact: If you're over the age of 18, Hollywood isn't making these movies for you.  If you don't believe that, go see the new Ninja Turtles movie.  If you love the old cartoon or the dudes-in-bad-rubber-suits movies, you'll probably hate it.  But your 9 - 14 year-old son will love it and he'll keep coming back.  And that's the audience Hollywood cares about.
  • In some corners on the universe, aliens can't see us, even with their most powerful telescopes.  The light from our solar system hasn't had time to reach them yet.  That kinda blows my mind.
  • Jeremy Clarkson, one of the host on the BBC's Top Gear, once said that the U.S. has never won a war without help, particularly British help.  That's one way to look at it.  Another way to look at it is that in the Revolutionary War, we kicked Britains ass with the help of the French.  THE FRENCH!!  And nobody's scared of the French.       

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Fattie's 5s: My Favorite Reality TV Shows

I hate reality TV.  Hate it.  Nothing bothers me in quite the same way as watching regular people trying to screw over other regular people in situations that are about as unrealistic as situations get.  I hate all those singing shows, where people with a dream get judged by talentless "celebrities".  Those contests like Survivor?  Pass.  Docutainment stuff like Cake Boss?  Pass.  And don't get me started on Duck Dynasty.  But there ARE a few that I like, and here are my five favorites:


Deadliest Warrior - Awesome weaponry?  Check!  Badass guys wielding those weapons?  Check!  Smack talk and explosions?  Check and check!!  Though it went downhill after Max Geiger lest the show, Deadliest Warrior was a fun show manly-man wannbes (like myself) that went a long ways towards answering a lot of those "who would win in a fight" throwdowns I had back in the comic book shop.


Mythbusters - Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman build awesome machines, test out theories, and blow stuff up, all in a quest to find out whether on not those urban legends we've heard are true.  Things get funny and myths get confirmed or busted.  Plus, Kari Byron is pretty damn attractive.


Who Wants to Be a Superhero? - Wannabes created their own superhero characters, and Stan "The Man" Lee put them through a series of  challenges to see who had the right stuff.  Though the show only ran two seasons, in part because Stan couldn't stand to kick aspiring heroes to the curb, it was endlessly entertaining.  Excelsior!!


BBC's Top Gear - Three middle-aged guys horse around, drive bitchin' cars, and make fun of Americans.  A couple times an episode, someone drives real fast around a race track.  Camping trailers get destroyed.  It might sound lame.  It totally isn't.


Comic Book Men - Set in Kevin Smith's comic book store in New Jersey, this show is basically all about sitting around hanging out with the guys that run the store.  But it's a comic book store, which means all sorts of nerdy conversation.  Also, folks keep bringing really cool items to sell.  It's like Pawn Stars for nerds.  Plus, it's just freaking hilarious!

Friday, August 1, 2014

Hooked on a Feeling...

... And that feeling is the feeling that comes over a guy (or woman) when he (or she) gets exactly what he (or she) wants.  When it comes to Guardians of the Galaxy, exactly what I want was a fun, ass-kicking sci-fi romp with cool characters, big laughs, and action scenes that set your eyeballs to dancing.  And, good gravy, is that exactly what I got.

Guardians is the tenth film set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it's the first one to untether itself from our little home world, Earth.  The Guardians are guarding the actual galaxy and not just Earth.  That means some compelling new worlds and frames crammed so full of cool stuff you can't possibly see it all the first time through.

The story centers on Peter Quill, who, as a child, gets abducted (but not eaten, and don't you forget that!) by aliens led by Yondo (Michael Rooker).  Jump ahead 26 years and little Peter has grown into an interstellar outlaw who wants everyone to call him Star Lord (Chris Pratt).  No one does.  After Quill snatches a mysterious orb-shaped knick-knack, the movie makes like an intergalactic take on the Blues Brother, with everyone from Yondo, to Gamora (Zoe Saldana), the adopted daughter of big baddie Thanos, giving chase.  In short order, Quill finds himself in a Nova Corp prison with Gamora, the troublesome twosome of Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Groot (Vin Diesel), and Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a hulking, green-skinned bad ass who doesn't understand metaphors.  The crew decides to team up to break out and then, ultimately, to stop Ronan the Accuser (Lee "The Piemaker" Pace) from destroying the galaxy.

DC may have the market cornered on sulking superheroes, but Marvel excel at injecting humor into their stories while keeping the tension up and the stakes high.  And Guardians is the funniest Marvel movie yet.  There were times during the screening I went to when dialogue was lost in the laughter from the audience.  Everybody gets a chance to get chuckles.  All of our heroes get a chance to strut their ass-kicking action stuff, as well.  I can't decide if my favorite action moment belonged to Groot or Jondo.  The movie felt briskly paced with no real slow parts.  It also had plenty of heart.  From the first scene to the climactic battle (where Groot actually made me cry a little bit) there are plenty of moments the play the emotions like a finely-crafted vintage Gibson Les Paul.  Combine all this with awesome epic battles and one of the grooviest soundtracks I've heard in many moons, and Guardians truly has something for everyone.

Guiding this production is James Gunn (he did Slither and Super previously).  And he's done a fantastic job.  The worlds are imaginatively rendered, especially a planet covered in geysers and a city built inside the skull of a deceased giant space being.  Gunn keeps the camera moving without going to mental with the movement.  He also wrote the script, which was pretty damn great.  Best of all, he lets things be weird, which you'd expected in a movie that features a motor-mouthed raccoon and an anthropomorphic tree with a limited vocabulary.  If you wanna see just how weird, wake sure you sit all the way through the credits.  In short, Gunn took the best parts from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Blues Brothers, and Serenity, threw it all into a blender, frapped the living crap out of it, and came up with a rousingly entertaining space opera that's better than at least four of the Star Wars movies.

Last year, Pacific Rim was easily the most fun I had at the movies.  It had been years since I was soaring so high after seeing a movie.  I felt the same way walking out of Guardians of the Galaxy, and I thankfully didn't have to wait so long.  Maybe, this is a good sign.  Maybe, summer movies are going to be fun again.  I can always dream.