Wednesday, August 2, 2017

NASA Bound...

Just letting you guys know that I'm done being a writer. I love writing, but my true calling is keep Earth safe from E.T. and his other pernicious buddies. I've been searching for my calling and it turns out NASA is looking for an officer in charge of protecting our planet from extraterrestrial threats. THEY'RE LOOKING FOR ME!! I'VE FINALLY FOUND WHERE I BELONG!!

Plus, it pays a lot better than my current gig...

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Bloody Blonde Valentine

I'm too lazy to write a full review of Atomic Blonde, so here's a "skinny review" (I'm so clever...)

Atomic Blonde is a breath of fresh air at a time when violent yet bloodless franchise actioners targeted at rule the day. It's the kind of movie where when someone onscreen get decked, the folks in the audience feel it. It feels like a life and death struggle, instead of endless pixel piles punching pixel piles. And I loved it.

The cast is awesome. Charlize Theron is hard frakkin' core. She smulders with sex and violence and says so much with her eyes, you almost don't need dialogue. James McAvoy is equally awesome. John Goodman and Eddie Marsan (you may not know his name, but I bet you know his face) are also rock-solid. And this is the most acting I've ever seen Sophia Boutella do, and for the most part, she pulls it off.

This movie is more of a cat and mouse chase movie than I was expecting, which is fine by me. The action scenes are like blood-drenched dance numbers. Busby Berkley would be proud. But when people get hit the get HIT. There's a scene involving a staircase that was intense enough that it left me feeling like I just got dropped down an elevator shaft. That good action filmmaking.

The action in this movie pulses to a soundtrack chock full of classic 1980s pop songs. Some of these songs I haven't heard in YEARS. That adds another layer of enjoyment to the proceedings. Watching people beat the crap outta each other to tunes by Duran Duran, 'Til Tuesday and Joy Division is just about perfection.

Flaws? The biggest flaw is the convoluted plot that outsmarts itself. You can see the ending coming by about 45 minutes into the movie. And some of the stylistic choices made by director David Leitch are a little too far over the top. When you get popped out of the story because of how the camera is moving, that's a result of bad filmmaking.

That said, it is sooooo nice to see a movie where you can see the director's fingerprints on a film, and it's something we're losing in this movie landscape of cinematic universes and massive franchises. I'd much rather watch a movie like this or Baby Driver, movies where the filmmaker's personality ends up on screen, than War for the Planet of the Apes, where director Matt Reeves tells a good story, but that's as far as it goes.

Anyway, Atomic Blonde is fuckin' awesome, and it's a terrific antidote to the massive movie franchises. The action is raw and intense. The movie has style for days. The cast kicks ass. If you're looking for a good time at the movies, and you're not into Marvel, D.C., or sequel/prequel/remake/reboots in general, check this movie out. It could be exactly what you're looking for.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Blues Brothers for the New Millenium

I went to film school during the height of the indie film movement in the 90s, so you'd think my favorite movie would be something classy or artistic. Like something from Kurosawa, Herzog, or Paul Thomas Anderson. You would be wrong.

My favorite movie of all time is The Blues Brothers, a silly comedic musical spun off from a Saturday Night Live sketch. The one-liners! The car chases! The music! Dude, the MUSIC!

I've seen a lot of musicals, and even the best of them seldom seamlessly combine the music and the rest of the story. Blues Brothers was the first movie I can remember where music felt like a part of the story as a whole. It bounced along to its classic blues and R&B soundtrack. It's like the movie WAS music.

I bring that up because I just saw Baby Driver and it was chock full of that same feeling. Baby Driver pulses, almost breathes, to the rhythm of its soundtrack. It's not just the music that's playing as protagonist Baby (Ansel Elgort) spins the wheel of his getaway car, it's part of his thought process.

Baby Driver introduces us to its title character (Elgort) as he's closing in on paying off a debt he owes to his boss, Doc (Kevin Spacey). He also meet Debra (Lily James) and is quickly smitten. Baby and Lily plan to get away from their lives and start new, but when you're good at crime, it's not so easy to get away from it. Drawn back into Doc's gang for once again, Baby plans to get free from Doc and his gang for good.

There's no denying Baby Driver is an Edgar Wright flick. He's subdued his usual kinetic camera style, although he still has some amazing shots. Wright is also the king of fantastic scene transitions. His mastery of editing stands out even more amidst incompetently hacked-together shit like Suicide Squad and Tom Cruise Mummy movie.

Wright fuses his camera moves to the music on the soundtrack, and it works so well the camera almost looks like it's dancing. His car chase scenes move and have an energetic feel without suffering from an overabundance of shaky camera and Michael Bay-like chaos. You always understand what's going on and who's involved.

And the writing is stellar. The dialogue is far more catchy and witty than the way everyday people talk, buy it doesn't cross the line of being full-on cheese. Each character has a unique voice and that helps boost the performances even higher. Elgort and James have a palpable chemistry. Spacey, Jon Hamm and Eiza Gonzalez are great in their roles.

But it's Jamie Foxx who steals the show. He's menacing, hateful and hilarious. I haven't dug a Foxx performance this much since he was Motherfucker Jones in the first Horrible Bosses flick. And his comeuppance scene is the best, most-satisfying comeuppance scene in recent movie-dom.

I LOVED this fuckin' movie. It's my favorite movie of the year so far. That includes stuff like Logan and Wonder Woman. It was the perfect fusion of art and violence, speed and wit, writing and action. It made me laugh, dropped my jaw to the floor and tugged at my heartstrings. I sincerely doubt I'll see anything I like better the rest of the year.

Now, time to crank up the tunes and go for a drive! PEACE!!

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Now THIS Is How You End Something!

Let's get the big thing out of the way right off the bat. Logan, the final movie starring Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, is good. Really good. Really, really fucking good. I'd go so far as to say it's the best X-flick to date. Yes, that includes Deadpool. You're fucking A right I said it.

Logan finds its titular protagonist close to the bottom of the barrel. The X-Men are long gone, and Logan's sole purpose is serving as a caretaker for the rapidly deteriorating Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart, of course). Which is ironic, since Logan's badly deteriorating himself, sick, tortured and trying in vain to drink away his pain.

Logan's relative equilibrium is shattered when a young girl named Laura (Dafne Keen) enters his life. Logan takes Laura and Prof. X on the run from a band of well-armed assholes with bad intentions. The goal is to reach a safe place where Laura doesn't have to live in fear. The pursuit is filled with bloody action set pieces and a lot of Logan struggling against his fate and what's left of his better nature.

I won't lie. Logan was hard to watch. Not only do you kinda know where things are headed from the first frame, but it straight-up SUCKS seeing Logan and Xavier as shells of their former selves. The dread builds as Logan progresses toward his fate and all you can do is watch and hope.

And yet that also leads us to the best thing about Logan: It has genuine emotional weight. It affected my emotional state in a way no other superhero movie ever has. It addresses issues like losing your capabilities as you age and what happens when you're broken and you have no clue how to put yourself back together. That's heavy shit that I deal with every day and can totally relate to. And because it has genuine emotional heft, Logan satisfies in a way no other comic book movie can.

That said, Logan isn't the most fun movie to watch. I mean, it's pretty fun watching motherfuckers getting shredded like cheese. But it's not a cool action-filled romp like most of the Marvel Cinematic Universe flicks. It's not a symphony of dick jokes and superhero movie deconstruction, like Deadpool. But, while I've enjoyed all those movies, they haven't had me examining my own life the way Logan did. I wasn't expecting that heading into it, but I really think I needed that.

I'm not gonna break down the writing or the directing, both of which are more than good enough to get the job done. I will say that both Stewart and especially Jackman give two of the best performances I've ever seen them give. I hope they somehow get recognized for their work in Logan. It's exceedingly powerful stuff.

I was a teary-eyed mess by the time Logan ended. Admittedly, part of that came from knowing I don't get to see Jackman and Stewart playing Wolvie and Prof. X anymore. But Logan is a powerful, emotive story that might make you think if you're not careful. I can't recommend this movie enough. If you have any interest in seeing Logan, get your asses to the theater as soon as humanly possible.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

My Expectations Are Too High?!

It's snowing like a motherfucker right now. Enough to make a wampa die from fright. And yet, I needed dinner, so I tromped out to my car and headed to Wal-Mart. Because, in my neck of the woods, Wal-Mart is virtually the only place to get what I needed. And I also wanted to see what movies were new on Blu-Ray (Nothing too interesting except for Arrival).

Whilst I was perusing the frozen foods, I ran into someone I knew years ago and haven't seen since Batman was still a Tim Burton flick. I was confident that with my beard and my hair all long and shit, this dude wouldn't recognize me, but I was dead wrong. I should've worn my Stormtrooper helmet. Of course, that may have given me away even faster.

The dude approached, and after I got over the shock that I'd been recognized, we exchanged pleasantries. His next question: "Don't you love it when our wives send us out in this kind of weather?" I laughed it off and explained that I was still single, and for all intents and purposes, retired from the dating racket.

What followed was a sermon about why I shouldn't give up. It was filled with the usual cliches like "It'll happen when you're not looking for it" and "It's not about finding the right person, it's about being the right person". I hate this shit and I'm pretty convinced that couple-ized folk say crap like this just so they feel good about themselves.

Anyway, I shot down his points one by one until he got to one that made me mad enough to beat him to death with a stack of frozen pizzas. "Maybe you want too much. Maybe your expectations are too high", the guy says. MOTHERFUCKER. I was so pissed I had to cut him off and leave before I went nuclear.

"Maybe you want too much. Maybe your expectations are too high." That must be it. You know me so well, despite the fact that stars have formed and burned out in the time since we last saw each other. Wait, no. All you know about me is Jack and Shit, and Jack left town. (Any Army of Darkness fans reading?) Allow to enlighten you a little bit...

  1. I expect to be alone for forever. FOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEVEEEEEERRRRR, like Squints would say. I wouldn't think your expectations could get any lower than that.
  2. You don't know what I want. Hell, I don't think even my closest friends know what exactly I'm looking for, and I've talked about dating with them a fuck ton more than I've talked to you about it. If they don't know, why the fuck would you?!
  3. I'm 98% sure this would've ended with him offering to set me up had I let it run on. Yeah. I've met women through friends and other people, and I've decided that they're even worse at picking dates for me than I am. I'm pretty sure that couple-ized folks just see two single people who are lonely and they think "He's alone and sad and she's alone and sad. They should be together." They don't put much more thought into it than that. And that's a recipe for failure.
  4. I hate being lonely, more than anything there is. More than the the DCEU. More than Donald "Orange-Face Whinypants" Trump. More than the motherfucking New England Patriots. (I'm a Dolphins fan. what did you expect?) Well, almost anything. The one thing that's worse than loneliness: being stuck in a relationship with the wrong person. I've been through that, and it's the most hatefully soul-crushing thing I've ever experienced. That includes my brother being murdered. I can NEVER put myself through that again. I won't.
  5. Therefore, I'm lonely by choice. And since I only seen to attract women I'm not interested in, I see no use in trying to date. If you only attract the wrong person, what's the use? 
As for what I'm looking for, I could give you a big, long fucking laundry list of qualities and personality traits I find attractive: smart, funny, creative, beautiful (at least, I need to find her beautiful), and so on. But even that wouldn't really encapsulate it all that well. In the end, I'm really looking for two things:
  • The first thing is I need to feel a pull, a compulsion that drives me to want to want to get to know her better. Something that fascinates me about her. Call that infatuation if you want, if I don't feel a pull toward a person, there's no chance I'll remain interested. I get bored with people really fast.
  • The second thing is something I've only ever encountered twice, but now that I know this exists, I'll be damned if I'm ever gonna get into a relationship if I don't feel that. I'm not sure what exactly you call it, so I'll try to explain it. It's that feeling that when I'm with someone, no matter where we are, regardless how many other people are around, she's the only person there with me. It's like when I'm with her, everybody around us just disappears. She and I are the only two people in the universe. I love that feeling. I need that feeling.
The problem is that I don't attract women who make me feel like this. I tend to attract women who aren't smart or funny or anything else that might spark my interest. Nobody who makes me feel that pull. Same with the ladies people set me up with. I either get women who feel like they can mold me into something I'm not (and don't want to be) or women who bore me to tears. And, at the risk of sounding like a narcissist, I deserve more. I deserve someone who captures my imagination and fills every one of my needs. We all do. And I guess I'm not afraid of loneliness enough to settle. That's about all there is to it.

Anyway, now that I've nattered on way too goddamned long, I'mma close this up. To the guy at Wal-Mart: Thanks for the fucking sucky-ass advice. I promise it won't stir me to action. And if wanting to be with someone I feel compelled to spend time with and who makes every other woman in the world (figuratively) disappear is too much, I guess I'm up Shit Creek in a leaky toboggan. But then again, loneliness is really all I expect.

Monday, January 16, 2017

La La Land: A Movie for People who Love Movies

(Haven't blogged in a long ass time. Hope this is like riding a bike.)

I'm about to saying something incredibly pretentious and douchey, but bare with me, cuz it needs to be said. I apologize about this ahead of time. Now let's roll.

There are two kinds of movie fans: those who love movies and those who love THE movies. Folks in the first camp enjoy the spectacle of superhero daring do, melodramatic love stories or fiery action shootouts. They love the escapism and the storytelling Far less common are those who love everything about the movies: their history, the personalities behind them and the technical processes that allow movies to be put together. It's to this second group of people that I say: Get your asses to see La La Land as soon as humanly possible.

La La Land is a throwback to the musicals produced during the 1950s. It's romantic, colorful and just a wee bit campy. It features complex song-and-dance numbers captured in sweeping long takes. The way the camera moves makes it another character in the movie.

The story is pretty simple: Sebastian (Ryan Gosling) keeps crossing paths with Mia (Emma Stone), and before too long, romance blossoms between the two of them. They chase their dreams, life takes its twists and turns and we get carried along for the ride.

Gosling and Stone are fun to watch together, and they play appealing characters that would probably be fun to hang out with and talk to. You can't help but pull for Sebastian and Mia.Gosling and Stone acquit themselves pretty well in their singing and dancing, and Gosling actually plays the hell out of the piano. I could watch these characters all day long.

Director Damien Chazelle captures the story in sweep camera moves and brightly-colored compositions and his script drips with love of music and love for his characters. What Mia and  Sebastian want and why they do what they do completely makes sense. The dialogue is witty, wry and provokes easy laughter. There's a scene where Sebastian plays in a cover band that made my side ache from laughing. And I was happy about it, too.

My favorite thing about La La Land is the way it played my emotions. I laughed. I smiled. I swooned, cuz Stone has the biggest, bluest eyes ever. And that Ryan Gosling... he's a dreamy dreamboat, too. I don't want to spoiler everything, so consider this a spoiler warning: but La La Land has my favorite kind of end. It's not overly happy, but it is bittersweet and hopeful.

So much of what I loved about La La Land came out of my love of movies. The way this flick hearkens back to musicals past, like Singing in the Rain. The virtuoso long takes, and paying special attention to the shots to see where Chazelle could have hidden cuts. The bright color palette that sticks out like sore thumb next to the cool monochromatic color schemes of today's big budget tentpole flicks. If stuff like this gets you excited, you'd probably love La La Land, too.

You don't have to be super into film history or movie making techniques to get something out of La La Land. You can enjoy the music and the love story. You can enjoy watching Stone and Gosling bounce off one another. You can chuckle along and be completely content. But if you love the history and the whys and hows of film making, you owe it to yourself to see this movie ASAP!