Saturday, September 13, 2014

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!!

I don't know about you, but I often wonder what a movie based on my life would look like.  Would it be a comedy?  Oscar-bait? Arthouse Indie Drama?  I imagine that for it to work, a lot of dramatic license would have to be taken.  Someone once said that if you have a choice between printing the truth and the legend, print the legend.  It's the same in the movies.  Film the legend.  And the legendary version of my life would contain way more fast cars, beautiful women, samurai duels, and explosions.  They'd probably have to throw in some time travel and a trip through outer space, too.  Just for good measure.

And who would play me, you ask?  Well, here's my short list, in no particular order:

1.  Jack Black - I can't tell you how many people told me how much I remind them of Mr. Black's characters in School of Rock and High Fidelity.  He's a little short, but it could work.

2. Eugene Mirman - Well, he looks kinda like me.  And he's funny.  Almost as funny as I am.  Actually, he's probably funnier.  And I have a feeling we could get him for cheap.

3. Tyler Labine - Labine played a sort of tubby, shiftless slacker in Reaper.  Then he played a redneck in Tucker & Dale.  That covers all the bases, pretty much.  Plus, he can grow a sweet beard.

4. Jensen Ackles - Everybody is more handsome in the movies than they are in real life.  Why shouldn't Movie Me be super frakkin' attractive?  Besides, you gotta buy into the fact the the love interest played by Hayley Atwell (Or Alison Brie.  Or Olga Kurylenko.  Or Tina Fey.  Or Christina Hendricks.  Or Rosario Dawson.  Or...) would actually be interested in me.  So, Movie Me better be way more attractive than Real Life Me.

5. Nick Frost - Honestly, Frost's probably the best choice for Movie Me.  He's got the wit, he's got the face, and he's got the body.  There's just one problem: his accent.  So, I better get to work perfecting my British accent, just in case he can't fake and American accent.

Bonus Pick:

-- Idris Elba - You know, in case they choose to set the movie in a parallel universe where I'm the world's most handsome African-American man.

And for the director, the only guy who could do it is this guy:

you know, seeing how ever since watching The Double, I'm convinced he's my smarter, more successful doppleganger.