Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Falling in Love is Hard on the Knees (and Everything Else...)

Word of warning: It's about to get pretty mushy up in this bitch.

If you ever wondered if Fatty has feelings, here's your proof: I've spent a good chunk of the past three days weeping like a female with unrealistic romantic expectations at the end of The Notebook.  My friends have heard this story a few too many times (Sorry Clifton and... well... Clifton), so I won't go into details.  But basically, the story goes like this: I developed a friendship with a woman.  The better I got to know her, the more smitten I became.  Then one night, I realized that seeing her happy made me really, really happy.  I realized that I was in love.  It was scary and exhilarating and depressing all at the same time.  Cuz I've danced this dance before.

It took an enormous effort for me to convince myself it was okay to feel like this about a woman.  But, I couldn't help myself.  This person wasn't exactly what I thought I wanted.  She was way better.  I finally told her how I felt and admitted I'd thought about what it'd be like if we started dating.  She said that wouldn't work for her.  Cue the crying.

As I said, this ain't the first time I've been through this situation, and I think the worst part of all this is the feeling that I've not learned what I need to so I'm doomed to keep reliving the same agonizing scenario over and over and over.  However, I learned a holy sh*t ton this time around.  Here's a sampling of the lessons this experience has taught me:

All of this is my fault.  When I realized what was going on, I had a choice to make.  On one hand, I could shut myself off, lie to myself, and try to kill what I was feeling by suffocating it deep down in my guts.  On the other hand I could give myself permission to feel what I was feeling, knowing full well that the outcome could be completely crushing.  I chose to try to embrace what I was feeling, and you know what?  For a short span of a few days, I was really, really happy.  Even though the girl wasn't mine, I loved knowing I could feel that way about her.  So, yeah, if I didn't choose to be okay with my feelings, I wouldn't be this sad right now.  I'd be worse off, though, from swallowing my emotions, and I'd never have had those few wonderful amazing days of sheer bliss.

The heart really does want what the heart wants.  Nothing about my feeling for this woman made sense to me.  She was way too young for me.  She was way too pretty as well.  I just couldn't see any reason we'd have anything to talk about. It made no sense to my brain to ever feel anything more than respect for her as a human being.  My heart told my brain to go eat a full bag of sh*t.  Although it felt completely insane, I've come to realize that love isn't some quantifiable scientific variable.  Who you fall for often doesn't make sense.  Maybe it's not supposed to.

Pain makes everything seem eternal.  Physicists theorize that black holes are so massive that they drag on time and slow it down.  Pain kinda works like that, too.  It makes you feel like you'll never be whole again.  It makes you feel like things will never be better.  Even though the time period you're dealing with your pain is fairly small, like a few weeks or months, when you're going through it, the shortest time span seems like an eternity.  Therefore pain = a black hole.

The right person can facilitate change in you.  I know I've railed loud and long about women trying to turn me into something I don't wanna be.  But this experience has changed my forever.  I still love metal, and movies, and being a goofy dumbass, but I'm so much more open to experiences and feelings than I was before.  I feel like I'm such a better person than I was before.  I think more about what I say before I say it.  I've even made a big-time improvement in how much I bash on myself.  Those are all great things that needed to change and it never would have happened without the influence of a very special person.

Friendship is the most thing someone can give you.  I know a lot of people think romantic love is the most precious commodity on Earth.  People write novels and make movies and sing songs about the importance and power of romantic love.  I respectfully disagree.  After this experience, and watching the way my love grew out of friendship, I'm more convinced than ever that romantic love can't exist without friendship.  It would seem counter-intuitive, especially considering only times I've actually dated someone were times when I didn't know the girl real well.  But we weren't friends and it didn't work out.  Friendship is important.  If someone is truly your friend, you should cherish that, because that's something unbelievably valuable and incredibly special.

Some things are worth fighting for.  Like friendship.  Dunno if I need to say anything more than that.

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