Well, it's the start of another year. And my resolution to blog more has already crashed to the ground in a fiery ball of death. I'd like to do a couple posts a week, but I haven't been. What can I say? Cupcake Wars has taken over my life.
So, being that this is the first of the year and all, many folks are taking stock of their lives and talking about what they hope to accomplish in the next twelve months. Yeah, this is kinda one of those posts. But it's a little different.
You see, I've been looking back on things and taking note of what has changed what needs to change in my life. I has occurred to me that as I evolve (and I'm constantly evolving) I've lost certain traits and aspects of my personality. Hopes and dreams I use to hope and dream for are no longer part of the equation. I've lost a lot. My religious convictions. (This is a good thing.) My need to be smarter or superior to those around me. (This is also a good thing.) The hope that I'll ever meet the right woman or that I'll be in good enough condition to be the right person for her when or if I was ever to meet her. (This is not so good, but it is what it is.)
Life is not all about what you lose along the way, because sometimes you find stuff, good stuff, along the way. I hope to find the ability to be more open-hearted, to love people more, and to live healthier, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I hope I find the ability to trust and believe in myself. And there are aspects of my personality I need to get rid of. I hope to lose my shyness, my temper, and my fear of just about everything out there in the big, bad world. And maybe my Dolphins fandom, since they can't beat their way out of a frakking wet paper bag. But with all that I need to lose and hope to gain, there are qualities in my personality that I hope never leave me. Things that I love about myself. Things I will fight to hold on to. I'm assuming if you're still reading this far in that you're interested in knowing what those qualities or quirks may be, so here's a list. Cuz us humans love lists and sh*t:
- My curiosity - One of the scariest things I ever heard when I used to go to church is when people would tell me that learning something was "not necessary for my salvation". That may be true, but I sometimes wondered if people used that as an excuse not to ask hard questions or look for answers about life, the universe and everything. Me personally, I wanna know how the universe got here, and what was here before. I wanna understand what make the cosmos tick, and why humans got to be the way we are now. I don't think I'll ever figure it out, cuz I'm just not all that smart. But I never wanna stop asking questions or trying to find answers.
- My sense of humor - I don't think you can get through very successfully without a good sense of humor. You have to be able to laugh at things, even the bad things, sometimes. That said, my sense of humor may not be all that "good". It's warped, dark, politically incorrect, and I laugh at a lot of things most folks think aren't funny. Plus, you should hear the woefully awful Ant-Man jokes I've been telling my boss for the past month. But it's mine, and I like it. I like to laugh. Laughing has saved my ass plenty of times. And I can't imagine not finding anything funny anymore. Hell, even Batman's laughed a time or two.
- My drive to create - Sometimes I don't write or play music cuz I'm too lazy. Sometimes I can't turn off Netflix. Other times, I can't overcome my depression or anxiety enough to create anything. And a lot of times, I get pissed cuz I come up with stuff that's completely insipid. But the compulsion is always there. I'm always having ideas. And the sense of accomplishment and confidence that comes along with shepherding an idea through to realization is quite possibly the best feeling I've ever experienced. (Yeah, I know. I haven't experienced that much.) It's something that keeps me going, and I hope it never goes away.
- My love of loud-ass, scary-ass music - Quite simply, the music has always been there for me. Always. I can't say that for anyone else in my life. Plus, the music keeps me young. It's hard to grow old when you're constantly bitching about what squares your parents are.
- The feeling of awe I get when I look at the stars - I always want to keep looking up cuz when I do, I feel connected to something much greater than myself. Enuff said!
- My enthusiasm for the things I love - I know that, in the grand scheme of things, comics, music, and movies aren't all that important, but the things I love are a part of me. I get excited for new movies and CDs because they give me something to look forward to. I need that, more than I care to admit. On top of that, the lack of excitement I feel for the new Star Wars flicks scares the sh*t outta me. If that's died, a big part of me has died.
So, these are the things that I like about myself. These are the things I need to hold on to. These are the things that are worth fighting for. And over the coming year, I hope I can hang on to these things, while discovering new things I like about myself.
I know what you're thinking: Me, me, me! It's not all about you, ya fat-ass bastard! Well then, what qualities in your personality do you like? What character traits to you hope to hold on to? Let me know so this can stop being about "me" and start being about "us". Cuz, after all, WE are Groot.