I'm sure it's not much of a secret, but lately, I've really been having a hard time. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I haven't been able to see it getting any better any time soon. I can't seem to find any hope. I've been wondering if there was ever any hope to begin with. It seems like the only thing I have to look forward to is the next big movie, and when that's all you have to look forward to, you really don't have anything to look forward to.
So while I was wallowing in a miasma of dejection and self-worthlessness, I was watching Friday Night Lights. I was pondering giving up on trying to attain my dreams and just crawling into a hole and dying. And then, Tyra Collette, a high school senior who wants nothing more than to get out of her hometown, gave the following voice-over, an excerpt from her college entrance exam:
Two years ago, I was afraid wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying, and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can’t stop wanting… I want to fly somewhere in first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself, instead having of others define me. I want to win; and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up to be generous and big-hearted. The way that people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life.
It’s not that I think I am going to get all these things. I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can’t wait…
This hit me like a fully-loaded clown car. (They hit hard cuz they're packed full of like twenty clowns, right?)
Obviously, I'm not going off to college. Still, a lot of this is exactly the kind of stuff I want outta life, I want to define myself, and not be defined by other people. I want to not be afraid. I want to be generous and big-hearted. I don't know what represents this stuff for me. I just know that I want it. And I know I can't give up trying to get it because if I do, I for damn sure won't get anything I want. So, for today, I've decided to keep plugging. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, but for today, I want to keep trying.