Have you ever felt like your having the same conversation over and over and over, only with different people? Is that some sort of cosmic thing people can tune into? What do you do when you get sick of it?
For the past several months, it seems like I keep having the same conversation again and again. It involves my current location and my level of happiness. More specifically, it's about how much better I'll feel if I just move away. I keep having this conversation with friends, family, and even people I don't even really know all that well. The jidst of this repeating dialogue is this: that I'll be much happier somewhere else and I should just pick up and move without delay.
I cannot deny there is a certain truth there. Being older (not "old" but definitely older) and single is a hard thing to deal with in my current home. It's hard to find friends. It's much harder to find a woman to connect with. I've been told I'm like a big fat-ass guppy swimming in a little teeny tiny pond. Sometimes it definitely feels that way.
I also cannot deny that I probably would be better off somewhere else. Somewhere bigger, with a less homogeneous population. Someplace where people don't consider you a second-class citizen if you're different. It would be nice to be somewhere where I could actually find a good job that fits my skill set. Don't get me wrong. I love my job right now, for the first time since I worked in the Forest Service back in high school. But, I'm not making much money, and I'm not super sanguine about my prospects here.
It all sounds so appealing and, once in a while, I find myself digging out my luggage and packing up. But here's the thing: what's making me so damn miserable is coming from inside my own head. I have more issues than the entire 52 year run of The Amazing Spider-Man. If not for those, I may have already found my place and bloomed where I've been planted. If not for those, I might have already found the love of my life, I might be successful, and I might not feel like such a complete failure.
But, the brutal truth is that I have those problems. They are embedded in my brain. They go with me everywhere I go. They're there regardless of who I'm with or what I'm doing. They're with me even when I'm happy and things are going well. If I were to move right now, they'd go with me. And being out there all alone, with my issues and no support system (I make freinds VEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRYYYY slowly) doesn't sound like a good idea. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. I can see it now: I freak out with no one to lean on and I end up coming right back home. And that would depress me so much, I'd probably end up dead.
That doesn't mean I intend to stay in Podunkville permanently. As soon as I've slayed some of my demons, I'm outta here like Barry Allen in the 100-meter dash. But those demons MUST be slayed first, or else I risk a personal catastrophe I won't be able to bounce back from. You scripture-loving folks know that all things must be done in wisdom and in order. It is unwise and out of order for me to leave first and figure my sh*t out later.
So, please, for the love of Ben Grimm's Aunt Petunia, stop telling me moving will solve all my problems. Please stop trying to sell me on a plan that's completely nonsensical to me. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an idiot, and I'm even becoming more self-aware everyday. I'll figure it out. If I need help from you, I'll ask you for it. If not, please don't exacerbate my frustration. I don't need your help to feel like I'm an idiot. I do that to myself just fine.