5 Favorite Songs

These are my 5 favorite songs this week.


5. "Save Me" from Killswitch Engage by Killswitch Engage

I'm mostly digging on this latest single from KsE 'cuz of the brilliantly stupid claymation video that was released this week. But the song's pretty great, too. Boasting a bunch of cool riffs and a top-notch screamy/singy performance form Howard Jones, "Save Me" is a killer sampler of everything these guys do well.


4. "According to You" from Believe by Orianthi

This one of the best straight-up sing-alongs since Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone". But Orianthi does Kelly one better by unleashing a bad-ass Stevie Van Angus guitar solo. This is one seriously fun tune, and it absolutely begs for repeated listens.


3. "Fire in the Skies" from Deliver Us by Darkest Hour

Darkest Hour whip up a furious neck-snapper, complete with growly vocals, pounding drums, and shredding-yet-tastefully-melodic guitar solos. But the best part of this tune is the way guitars build wall of harmonized mayhem. Awesome!!


2. "Friends of P" from Return of the Rentals by The Rentals

Former Weezer bassists Matt Sharp delivers a super-catchy, infectiously nonsensical sing-along. I'm not sure what this tune's about, but I do know it's got some tasty Moog synthesizer work and awesome backing vocals, and a string section solo. I can't stop listening.


1. "Baseball" from Rock and Roll Part Three by Ozma

I hate baseball, but his tune makes me wanna strap on the cleats, grab my mitt, and head for the nearest sandlot. It start quietly, explodes into a glorious chorus, then builds to an awe-inspiring crescendo before riding the chorus out. It's not terribly complex, but in pop music, simple is best.

Crush of the Week!!!!

This week, COTW has chosen to honor the multi-talented Felicia Day. Miss Day is the creator and star of the very funny web series "The Guild". She's appeared in in several of geek uber-hero Joss Whedon's projects, including "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog". Miss Day is also an accomplished singer and violinist, not to mention a hardcore video gamer. Hot gamers are the best kind. So, here's to Felicia Day, this week's Crush of the Week.

Pigskin Pontification - The Ugly Uniform Playoffs!!

The NFL season is still months away. I know the league likes to say that there is no offseason, but right now there's not much to talk about other than players who aren't happy with their contracts and what a big dumb fathead Albert Haynesworth is. That stuff's not too much fun, so instead I thought we'd take a peak at which NFL team sports the nastiest-looking uniforms. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ugly Uniform Playoffs!!!


NFC East Champs: Washington Redskins

The 'Skins are in the midst of a franchise revamp job under new coach Mike Shananhan. While they're at it, now may be the perfect time to revamp their look, too. They may stand out, given the fact that they're not wearing silver and some shade of blue. But seriously, the burgundy and yellow jobs the 'Skins wear look too much like something that came outta my nose the morning after a midnight nosebleed.


NFC North Champs: Minnesota Vikings.

Back in the '70s, the Vikes defense used to be called "The Purple People Eaters". That's pretty cool. However looking like a sprig of grapes isn't too cool. What's worse is that the Vikes have fallen prey to the tendency to add unnecessary racing stripes to their look. If you gotta look like an escapee from the set of a Fruit of the Loom ad, it's probably better to keep things simple.


NFC South Champs: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs' old-school orange and white jobs are widely regarded as some of the ugliest uniforms in sports history. They can't compare to the pewter and red eyesores the Bucs wear now. First off, the color they call "pewter" looks way too much like the color of used kitty litter. Also, the red color they wear is very drab and boring. It's as if they were trying for a shade that wouldn't excite area retirees into having heart attacks. Next to their current look, the old creamsicle uniforms look pretty bad-ass.


NFC West Champs: Seattle Seahawks

UGH!! The 'Hawks apparently wanted to set a new standard for ugly uniforms so badly the had to create a whole new color. That color, Seahwaks Blue, resembles old, graying asphalt with touch of blue mixed in. The 'Hawks combine Seahawks Blue with another, darker shade of blue for a look that's got about as lifelss as the surface of the moon. Sometimes, they'll wear day-glo green jerseys that burn the eyeballs something fierce. But, at least they aren't boring.

In the NFC side of the brackets, The Bucs hang on to out-ugly the Vikings, while the Redskins uniforms aren't close to ugly enough to compete with the 'Hawks green-glow specials. The 'Hawks then show the Bucs how ugly uniforms are truly done in the NFC.


AFC East Champs: Buffalo Bills

First off, the Bills' throwback uniforms from last year were really cool. They should kick the new ones to the curb and stick with the throwbacks. The biggest problem with the Bills' uniforms is that the colors just seem a bit... off. They don't complement each other and look quite sickly together. Plus the Bills over-complicate things with all the red accents.


AFC North Champs: Cleveland Browns

I guess it's cool to look like a giant candy corn... ok, not really. The Browns uniforms look like an old-school color scheme, straight from the days when earth tones were the rule in NFL uniform colors. The Browns uniforms also have this advantage: dirt stains don't show up as visibly on browns material. That's helpful considering how often the Browns are getting beaten into the ground.


AFC South Champs: Tennessee Titans

The Titans uniforms are a tragic result of what happens when you use TOO MUCH BLUE. There are about 27 different shades of blue in the Titans duds. It creates a look that's way too busy for it's own good. B.B. King doesn't have the blues as badly as the Titans do.


AFC West Champs: Denver Broncos

It's kinda hard to pick the ugliest AFC West team uniform. They all look pretty cool. If there's a problematic team uniform, it's the Broncos. Cool colors, but way too many accents. Way too busy. The blue and orange is cool, but why all the white accents? The Broncos uniforms are proof that sometimes less actually is more.

In the AFC side of the playoff, Buffalo crushes the Orange Crush, aka the Broncos while the Titans give the Browns the blues. Then the Bills out-eyesore the Titans.

In the Ugly Uniform Super Bowl, The Bills hang tough against the 'Hawks, but eventually even they can't take the grievous onslaught of the 'Hawks Lime Landslide uniforms. In the end, the Seattle Seahawks stand triumphant, owners of the ugliest uniforms in the NFL!!

Killer TV Themes - Samurai Jack

Man, did I LOVE this show. Everything about it was awesome, from the slash-em-up action scenes, to the quiet, introspective moments. "Jack" could be butt-kicking, hilarious, and heartfelt, often all in the same episode. The theme for the show was exceptional. After some narration from Aku, the shape-shifting wizard, a hip-hopping groove kicks in. The instrumentation is pretty sparse. Over the top, various processed voices say things like "Jack, Jack, Jack". It doesn't sound too impressive when you break it all down, but I guarantee it'll have walking around the house going "wh-cha!!".

P.S. Hey Genndy Tartakovsky, I know you just worked on "Iron Man 2", but would you please get to work on making a "Samurai Jack" movie!! Jack's story still doesn't have an ending.

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 15

"The Phantom of the Opera" (2004 version)

The Players: Opera singer Christine (Emmy Rossum), her childhood sweetheart Raoul (Patrick "Nite Owl" Wilson), and her mysterious vocal coach The Phantom (Gerard Butler).

The Story: Chorus girl Christine gets a chance to play a lead role and blows people away with her voice. It seems her voice is being guided by an "angel of music", aka The Phantom. Meanwhile, she reconnects with Raoul, and they soon fall in love. The Phantom wants Christine for himself and is willing to do anything to get her. Songs get sung, people get killed, and origins get revealed as Christine tries to decide who to be with.

The Reaction: In the interest of full disclosure, I should say up front that "Phantom" was the first (and so far, the last and only) professional musical stage production I ever saw and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I also have a "Phantom" CD lying around somewhere. I guess what I mean to say is that I was predisposed to like this movie.

And I did. However, I've found that this story isn't nearly as resonant as it once was for me anymore. When I first saw the play, I identified very strongly with the Phantom. I felt ugly and unloved and was convinced that I'd never find love as long as someone better-looking was around. I could relate to being the one who's always getting passed over for someone else. It was like I was that "purple stuff" in the Sunny D ads; always being neglected in favor of someone better. It left me feeling extremely bitter and depressed. Nowadays, I understand love, not better, but differently. I still feel ugly, unloved, and just plain inferior, but now I realise that there's someone out there for me if I leave myself open to the possibilities of love. That's just not something I want to deal with right now. And the whole she'll-just-find-someone-better argument provides a pretty convenient excuse to avoid women.

What's It All Mean?: Beware the wrath of unrequited love.

Can Guys Get Into It?: The first place I really heard anything about "Phantom" was in my room at the Missionary Training Center from my roommates. (For some reason I always confused "Phantom of the Opera" with "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park" back in the day.) So I guess there's an appeal there for guys.

What Can I Learn From This?: Girls will always pick looks over talent, and there's nothing you can do to change their minds. (Guess I'm still a bit bitter.)

Soundtrack of My Life

Faith No More - "Angel Dust"

As has been previously documented, I was a huge hair metal fan in high school. Every once in a while, I still get a kick out of listening to the hair farmers rock out. However, the Hair Metal Highlands were only one stop on the road of my music fandom. Before too long, I was craving music that was more eccentric and extreme. Eccentric definitely describes Faith No More. A wickedly effective cocktail of metal, funk, pop, and rap, FNM became big stars when their insanely infectious sing-along "Epic" broke into the mainstream and turned their album "The Real Thing" into a surprise hit.

I loved "The Real Thing", which is a terrific piece of work. I loved Mike Patton's delirious sing-along, rap-along, scream-along vocal work. I loved Jim Martin's Black Sabbath-inspired riffage. I dug the way Billy Gould and Mike Bordin worked off each other to create a tight, heavy, yet agile, rhythm section. I loved the creepy horror movie feel that Roddy Bottum's keyboards added to the music. "The Real Thing" was insane, uninhibited, and completely exhilarating. As great as it was, "Angel Dust" tops it in every single meaningful way.

"Angel Dust" was the first FNM album where Patton was involved in the songwriting process, and it shows. "Angel Dust" wheels through more styles and moods than most bands can cover in an entire career. It opens with "The Land of Sunshine", an ode to TV self-help infomercials. Patton cheerfully offers to help for a price: "Here's how to order". And that's just for starters. Tracks like "Malpractice", "Smaller and Smaller", and "Caffiene" are thrashers as heavy and scary as anything Slayer's ever written. "Kindergarten", "A Small Victory", and "Midlife Crisis" display the poppier side of the band, with big choruses and sing-along melodies. "RV" sounds like the "Jeopardy" theme musically, only with Patton vocalising the monologue he hears in his head over the top. "Crack Hitler" sports an honest-to-goodness funk groove. The two final tracks, "Jizzlobber" and a cover of "Midnight Cowboy" show the band at the extreme ends of their sound, with the former being crushingly heavy and the latter being hauntingly melancholy.

"Angel Dust" was important to me for a number of reasons. It was one of the first records that made me look at what bandmember other than the guitarist and the singer were doing. "Angel Dust" is worth listening to for Gould's bass playing alone. How many rock albums can you name where the bass playing is a highlight? Not many at all. Mike Bordin's drumming is phenomenal; he effortlessly handles all shifts in tempo and style. And Bottum may be the only keyboard player in metal/hard rock whose playing doesn't sound cheesey. He creates chilling atmosphere. "Angel Dust" also encouraged me to look at other styles, like funk and jazz. But I think the biggest reason I dig "Angel Dust" as much as I do is that it's just a phenomenally great record. It never gets old. It always hits me as hard as it did when I first picked it up. It's a testament to what can be accomplished by creative people who refuse to place boundaries on themselves or play by the rules. Quite simply, it's inspiring.

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 14

"The Wedding Planner"

The Players: Wedding planner Mary Fiore (Jennifer Lopez) and kiddie physician Steve Edison (Matthew McConaughey).

The Story: Steve saves Mary from a runaway garbage dumpster. The two of them spend a romantic night dancing in the park and getting rained on, and soon she's falling for falling for him. Unfortunately, Steve's engaged to one of Mary's most important clients. Meanwhile, Mary's dad tried hooking her up with some kooky Italian dude. Who does Mary choose?

The Reaction: I gotta admit, I found Matthew McConaughey tolerable in this movie. A lot of that has to do with the fact that his character's a bit different this time. He's a decent enough dude. That doesn't save "The Wedding Planner" from being lame, but it does help a bit.

I'm beginning to think that the chick flick audience want their movies to be predictable. You could see how "The Wedding Planner" was gonna play out before opening credits ended. You knew who'd end up with who. You knew that Steve's current significant other wouldn't be right for him. You knew Mary would reveal that she'd been hurt very badly and that she was trying to protect herself. I think even knew that Steve's future in-laws would turn out to be annoyingly eccentric. The movie never varied from the conventional chick flick path. I'm not even sure I needed to watch it to review it.

One final movie-nerd note: Why the Hell was this movie shot in 'Scope (2.35:1 aspect ratio, aka "really, really widescreen")? That format usually works better for movies that actually have some visually spectacular content. Either that, or it's for directors who like to work the edges of the frame. I don't recall ever seeing anything in "The Wedding Planner" that called for presentation in a really, really widescreen format. Most of the action was centered in the middle of the frame. So I don't know why it was shot the way it was. Maybe the director wanted to feel like he was directing a real movie.

What's It All Mean?: You can't control who you fall for. Also, you need to be patient and flexible when it comes to love.

Can Guys Get Into It?: Unless you're the masochistic type, I don't recommend this movie. Although, I gotta say that I'd forgotten how pretty J-lo is until I watched this.

What Can I Learn From This?: Watching movies out under the stars is very romantic.

To Run And Not Be Weary...

Since February, I've been locked in a battle with my weight. Technically, I've been locked in a battle with my weight my whole life, but I've only been fighting back since February. I was riding a stationary bike during the cold months, but now that it's warm (well, warmer), I've decided to try riding a real, live bicycle. There is a world of difference between an exer-bike and a regular bike. First, riding a real bike is pretty uncomfortable. The exer-bike wasn't like sitting in a favorite rocking chair, but I was able to find a position that was tolerable. Second, it's much more work riding a real bike, seeing as how you have to generate enough energy to propel yourself. My legs have felt like gummi worms for the past 24 hours or so. Finally, you're actually going somewhere on a real bike. So if you wear yourself out, it's not as if you can just walk into the next room and collapse on your bed.

My goal when I started out riding was to be able to make the 3-mile-or-so round trip from my house, down through the bottom of the field, over to the bridge over the Teton River, and then back home along the roads. I tried it yesterday and made it about a quarter of the way into the trip before I wore out and had to push my bike back. (I should mention that I have a heart condition, so it doesn't take much to wear myself out. Doesn't change the fact that I'm a wussie, though.) I've since amended my goal. Seeing as how it's much less work to stay on the regular roads, I decided to take the regular roads to the bridge and back, which is probably a 2 1/2 mile round trip. I took off today and nearly biked it all the way. I had to rest a bit on the way back, and I walked the bike about a hundred yards before getting back on and finishing up.

As I've been riding, I've been thinking a lot about how sometimes the things that destroy us spiritually aren't always spiritual in nature. (I guess that's usually the case isn't it?) In this case, I haven't been getting enough exercise for years, and I'm paying for it now. Letting yourself go leads to poor health, which leads to an inability to serve those around you. I've also been reminded of the passage in the Doctrine and Covenants that promises that those who keep the Word of Wisdom will be able to "run and not be weary and walk and not faint". What I wouldn't give to be able to run around without collapsing into a wheezing pile of perspiration after about five minutes. Sorry to get all churchy and stuff, but I've just had that on my mind the past couple days.

The Greatest Movies I've Ever Seen - The Usual Suspects

"The Usual Suspects" is one of the most engrossing movies I've ever seen. It's not just the fact that you spend the whole film trying to figure out who Kaiser Soze is. (PS: Since this movie's been out for a while, I'm not worrying about spoilers. If you haven't seen it, don't read any more.) It's not just the fun of watching the five crooks in the movie plan what seems to be an impossible heist. It's not just the fun of watching a criminal mastermind jerk around a cocksure law enforcement officer.

It's also the characters. These five crooks are funny, dynamic, charismatic guys. The way the Suspects interact with each other makes the movie worth watching. The cast is perfect. From Gabriel Byrne's reluctant master criminal-going-straight to Stephen Baldwin's psychotic tough guy, every character in the ensemble is well-drawn and superbly acted. That goes for Chazz Palminteri's Agent Kujan, who's a likable guy in just a little too far over his head. Being with these characters makes the 106-minute running time fly by. Throw in the mystery element, and you've got an addictive experience that's a little bit different every time you watch it.

I saw "The Usual Suspects" based on a recommendation from a film school buddy of mine. Ever since the credits rolled that first time, I've been trying to figure it out. Sure, the story being told by Verbal Kint turns out to be a big lie. Sure, Kint turns out to be the puppet master Kaiser Soze. The big question isn't whether or not the events in the movie played the way Kint/Kaiser says they did. The big question is "Why?". Why would Kint/Kaiser allow himself to be arrested, and then spin some elaborate ruse of a story? I've always been a fan of the theory that he did to thumb his nose at the cops. And after the way Agent Kujan bullies him, you almost feel Kint/Kaiser's justified. But, lately another idea has occurred to me. Suppose that what Kint/Kaiser's really doing is trying to reinforce his own legend. The crooks in the movie are already scared of him. Is he trying to put the fear into the cops? How much more scary would he be if the crime community knew he could engineer a police line-up and basically walk away after the cops had him in cuffs? It's questions like these that the movie leaves floating around your mind after you've seen it. It's also these questions that separates "The Usual Suspects" from almost every other movie out there. In most movies, what you see is what you get, and there's nothing to think about afterward. "The Usual Suspects" leaves you trying to figure it out. And that's a rare treat in this age of roller coaster-ride effects extravaganzas.

Howard Jones Gets An Anal Probe

I saw this yesterday and loved it. My new favorite music video ever!!!



Not much left to say but ROCK!!!

Killer TV Themes - Barney Miller

"Barney Miller" is another show I don't remember too much about. I remember begging my folks to let me stay up to watch. Sometimes, I managed to stay up late enough, but I usually didn't get too far past the opening credits. But the theme music was awesome. It opens with a funky bass line and some tasty guitar licks. Soon the tempo picks up, a horn section comes in, the dude that played Shepherd Book in "Firefly" show up sans Book-mop, and good times are had by all.

Soundtrack of My Life

Warrant - "Cherry Pie"

There are few sins more grievous for a metalhead than admitting you have an appreciation for hair metal. With the possible exception of contemporary country, there has never been a more processed, sanitized, and inauthentic product pushed into the music marketplace. Butt rockers were pop stars masquerading as serious metal musicians. They made music for folks who wanted to experience the danger of metal without straying too far from the safe confines of pop. I should know, 'cuz I was one of those fans.

At the time "Cherry Pie" was released, I was a pretty major butt rock fan. I read every single fan magazine I could get my hands on. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing: The fact that I was so into hair metal or the fact that I read fan magazines, which we all know are marketed to girls. Anyway, I remember seeing a photo of Warrant surrounded by dozens of guitars with cool-lookin' paint jobs in one of those mags. Fueled by that image and repeated viewings of the concert video "D.R.F.S.R. Live", my love for Warrant had grown to the point where they were my favorite band in the world.

My anticipation of the forthcoming new Warrant CD was stoked even further by the video for "Cherry Pie". That clip was stupid to the point of genius. The concept was pretty simple: a gorgeous young woman in skimpy clothes parades around on screen while the dudes in the band sit around watchin' and crackin' dirty jokes. As a horny teenager, I could totally relate, because that's basically what my friends and I did whenever a hot girl walked past in school. Warrant were lookin' for the lowest common denominator, and boy did they find it.

Back in the day, I loved the title track, as well as similarly sex-themed tracks like "Sure Feels Good to Me" and "Love in Stereo". However, while "Cherry Pie" tries to peddle itself as a gleefully smutty good time, it's actually the sound of a band trying to grow up. Songs like "Uncle Tom's Cabin", Song and Dance Man", and "Mr. Rainmaker" indicate that Warrant has more things on their minds than sex. "Uncle Tom's" is a pretty convincing attempt at telling a serious narrative. Then there's "I Saw Red", one of the best power ballads of the hair metal era. It's a song that actually packs an emotional punch. One gets the feeling listening to "Cherry Pie" that this band was headed for some pretty interesting places. It's a shame the Grunge Revolution had to come along and obliterate butt rock, 'cuz we never got to see Warrant completely grow up.

So, yeah, "Cherry Pie" was one of those records that helped deepen my love for music. Yeah, I know that damages my metal cred. But, it's not like I did my metal cred any favors by raving about Harry Connick, Jr. and CCR...

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 13

"Definitely, Maybe"

The Players: Will Hayes (Ryan Reynolds), his daughter Maya (Abigail Breslin), and three women from his past: Emily (Elizabeth Banks), April (Isla Fisher), and Summer (Rachel Weisz).

The Story: Will, who's on the cusp of a divorce, goes to pick up Maya from school. Maya talks Will into telling her the story of how he met her mother. Will agrees with the caveat that he gets to change the names of the players in the story, leaving Maya to guess which woman in the story is her mother. The bulk of the story recounts Will's past loves and is told in flashbacks. It's kinda like an old film noir mystery, with hearts and flowers instead of guns, bullets, and deadly dames.

The Reaction: If every chick flick was this good, this little exercise would be so much less painless. The cast is excellent. It's well-written. There are some good laughs. It even managed to pull on my heartstrings a little. The thing I liked most about "Definitely, Maybe" is that it seemed real. The characters were all decent, likable folks, and not lame, one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs. There weren't any bad guys. Everybody had reasons for doing what they did. The plot didn't hinge on Will being "fixed" or changing to fit someone else's expectations. I loved Will's relationship with Maya. I even liked Kevin Kline's character and I usually think Kevin Kline is a schmuck.

What's It All Mean?: Love is less a matter of who, and more a matter of when. Which is kinda messin' with my head 'cuz what if I've already met the right one?

Can Guys Get Into It?: If you like Ryan Reynolds, you should be okay with this movie. Plus, having Ms. Banks, Ms. Weisz, and Ms. Fisher to look at can't hurt.

What Can I Learn From This?: Advertising executives have turbulent love lives.

Crush of the Week!!!!

This week, COTW is proud to bestow our weekly honor on Maria Brink, the first non-actress in COTW history. Ms. Brink sings in the metal band In This Moment. Their latest record, "The Dream", is full of huge, sweeping, melodic tunes with driving rhythms and loud guitars. Maria makes "The Dream" a must-hear. Her voice has really improved over the course of the band's career, and she gives the songs a soaring, beautiful vocal presence. Horns up to Maria Brink, this week's Crush of the Week!!!!

Surprise!!!!

Look what I just found in my brain!!! SUPER SWEET!!

Questions of a Cosmic Nature...

Space has always fascinated me. Ever since "Star Wars" fired up my imagination, I've always wondered what's out there. I've daydreamed of cities on planets flung far away from our own. I've wondered what aliens do for fun. You know, besides mutilating sheep and giving people anal probes. There's so much out there that'll never get to see, which is a little saddening. There are specific mysteries of space that I really hope I live long enough to see solved.

How was the universe formed?: I happen to believe the universe is the work of a higher power. Call that God or whatever, the way things are put together seems too intricate and micro-organised for it all to have fallen together by coincidence. But how did God do it? How do you put together a universe? That's a completely compelling questions, and if I was smarter I'd get a physics degree and try to figure it out myself.

Are we alone in the universe?: Given the sheer number of stars just in our own galaxy, it's a mathematically impossible that humans are the only intelligent beings in the universe. But what would these other beings be like? The only representations of aliens available to us are the ones cooked up by Hollywood and sci-fi writers. I'm pretty sure they got it wrong.

What's the deal with black holes?: Okay, so supposedly there are these "singularities" hanging around out in space that are so massive that they bend space-time to such an extreme degree that not even light can escape. They form when massive stars collapse in upon their cores. We can't see them, but we can obsevre their effects on nearby celestial bodies. I'm completely fascinated by these events in space-time. Do they exist forvever, or does space-time eventually straighten out? Could you really use them for time travel? What if they're just the pockets on a very immense intergalactic pool table?

Will the night sky change?: What I mean by this is that stars are such an incredibly long way away and their light takes so long to get to Earth that it's probable that many of the stars we see in the night sky have long since died out. So, will I stop seeing those stars? Will other stars appear to take their places? It's kind of a sobering thought. It's like Dr. Manhattan said in "Watchmen": All we see of stars is their old photographs.

Can man live on other planets?: It's a fact that we're using up the Earth. There may come a time when it will be necessary for man to strike out toward the stars in search of a new place to call home. Could we adjust? What mutations would living in a new environment cause? It's possible that we might not even be able to recognise future humans as humans.

What would happen if you blew up a planet?: This one's more for fun than anything. As I understand things, gravity is what keeps planets in their places. It's obvious that the pull from the sun is the biggest gravitational factor that preserves the present composition of our Solar System. But planets and other bodies also exert a pull on each other. It stands to reason then, that if you eradicated the pull from one of the bodies in a planetary system, the loss of that planet's gravitaional pull could cause problems. If someone blew up the Earth, for example, what would happen with the moon? Would Venus and Mercury plummet into the sun? Would the outer planets fly away into oblivion?

Finally, can't we just keep Pluto listed as a planet?: C'mon, you wanna add dwarf planets to the list of stuff orbit the Sun, that's cool. But don't demote Pluto just 'cuz he's small. Seriously. How would you feel if scientists refused to call your kids humans just 'cuz they're not big?

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 12

"Two Weeks Notice"

The Players: Attorney Lucy Kelson (Sandra Bullock) and her real estate magnate boss, George Wade (Hugh Grant).

The Story: Idealistic, Harvard Law-educated Lucy approaches George about the impending destruction of a neighborhood and ends up with a job. Problem is, she's spending all her time helping him pick out his clothes, writing his speeches, and basically waiting on him hand and foot. Enraged by a particularly galling incident, Lucy gives her two weeks notice. George tasks her with finding a replacement. Enter June (Alicia Witt), who immediately begins putting the moves on George. Watching June try to hook up with George, Lucy realises she likes him, too. Who'll George end up with? Well, Sandra Bullock's the top-billed actor in this cast, so guess...

The Reaction: I'm trying desperately to understand the concept of "chemistry" between actors. What's that mean exactly? On the back of the DVD, a critic praised Bullock and Grant for having outstanding chemistry. If I'm to infer what that means from the content of the film, I'd have to assume that actors have "chemistry" together when they bicker a lot. Watching "Two Weeks Notice", I felt like Lucy and George kinda tolerated each other until it was a convenient point in the story for them to start liking each other. Then, it seemed like someone flipped a switch and their attitudes towards each other completely reversed.

Another question - Why do so many rom-coms involve a scene where one or the other (or both) of the characters get drunk? There was scene like that in this film. I guess it has something to do with the fact that you can't really love someone until you've seen them at their worst. But, I question whether getting that someone drunk is really the only way to see them at their worst. Hell, try getting them stuck in traffic. Oh wait, they tried that in this movie, too.

Finally, what the Hell do women see in Hugh Grant? I don't understand. He's annoying, unfunny, and really kinda dopey. Maybe women dig that type of guy, but I've been told many, many time over the years that women like the funny, smart guys. Perhaps I've been misinformed.

What's It All Mean?: Quoting straight from the movie: "Only that which is the other gives us fully unto ourselves". I love it when movies do all my thinking for me...

Can Guys Get Into It?: I dig Alicia Witt, so that helped. I'd say that you should check it out if you're into Sandra Bullock, but Hugh Grant's craptasticness kinda cancels her out.

What Can I Learn From This?: Women love a man for who he can be, not who he is.

Marvel Monstrosities

Since the current boom of comic book movies began with "Blade" in the late '90s, Marvel has pretty much ruled the roost. True, DC has the biggest single comic book box office hit in "The Dark Knight", but Marvel's films have been more consistently successful, and some of them, like "Iron Man" and the "Spider-Man" trilogy, have been mega-blockbuster smashes.

Still, Marvel's films have hardly been perfect. Sometimes, in an attempt to prepare a Marvel title for consumption by a non-comic-geek audience, liberties have been taken with characters to give them wider appeal or to help them fit into certain story lines. In short, here's a list of great Marvel comics characters who I think have gotten the shaft hardcore in Marvel's movies.


Dr. Doom.

Victor Von Doom's backstory in the comics is pretty compelling. Raised by gypsies, left orphaned by his mother, and burnt to a crisp in a lab accident. All of that was lost in the "Fantastic 4" movies in name of narrative economy. Instead, he gets to take a bath in cosmic rays during the incident that gives the Fan 4 their powers. Not as cool and getting blowed up, but I can understand that plenty of narrative issues that were eliminated by streamlining Doom's backstory. My problem is that the character in the movie ain't Victor Von Doom. Dr. Doom's a power-mad dictator who wants to take out Reed Richards, who he blames for causing the accident that put him in his metal suit. He's brilliant, single-minded, and quite vain. In the "Fan 4" movie, Doom' a guy who gets pissed at Reed Richards for stealing his girl (more on her later). That might make him more relatable to movie goers, but it also makes him so much less cool. Oh, one other thing: where the Hell were the DoomBots in the movies?! Dr. Doom ain't really Dr. Doom without DoomBots!!


Storm.

If you really stop and think about it, Storm's one of the most powerful members of the X-men. She controls the weather, thus making her capable of wide-spread devastation. In the "X-Men" movies, she's relegated to being a glorified wind machine. Sure, she takes out some jets with a forest of tornadoes in "X2", but most of her action is small-scale. Even worse, Halle Berry plays her in a way that doesn't leave much of an impression. Berry's a gorgeous woman, but she was in over her head in the X-movies. It's probably not much of a reach to say her wigs did more acting than she did. The writers didn't give her a ton of help. When your best line of dialogue is "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?.. The same thing that happens to everything else.", you know you're gonna have to be a GREAT actor to sell your role. But that's what acting is: to elevate the words on the page to the point where the audience can buy that a real person would say those things. That's also what Berry fails to do. Most of the time, Storm just looks kinda lost.


The Lizard.

The Lizard was sure to show up in the Spider-Man movie universe sooner or later. A reference was made to Curt Connors in the first film. Then he actually showed up in "Spidey 2", played by Dylan Baker. He had an even bigger role in "Spidey 3", and it was obvious, given "Spidey" director Sam Raimi's love of old-school Spidey villains, that he was being set up to become an adversary in the very near future. 'Cuz that's just what happens to the science-minded folks in close proximity to Peter Parker. They have an accident, go apey, and before you can say "proportional strength of a spider", they're dangling Mary Jane off the top of a very tall building. Then, BANG!!, Sony executives decide to reboot the franchise, probably ruining any chance for us to see Baker play the full-on Lizard. It's a shame. He would have been awesome.


Gwen Stacy.

Let's stick with "Spider-Man" movies for a bit. It's hard to think of anyone in the Spidey universe who got shafted harder than Peter Parker's first love. First, the filmmakers took her personality (sweet, nice, caring) and gave it to Mary Jane in the movies. I'm fine with them honoring Gwen in that way, 'cuz at least she's in the movie in some capacity. But then, Gwen gets jammed into the third movie as part of a love triangle also including MJ and Peter. Worst of all, she's basically THE SAME CHARACTER as MJ in the movies. She's a sweet, pretty, nice girl, albeit one with one with a modeling gig and a need for science tutoring. The least they could have done was give her more than just her hair color to differentiate her from MJ.


Susan Storm aka The Invisible Woman.

Here's another case where casting may have sank the ship before it even launched. I dig Jessica Alba. She's beautiful and in the right role, she's a very effective actress. In a feat that astounded me to no end, she managed to out-act her bikini in "Into the Blue". All kidding aside, she was great in "Sin City" and she was the only thing worth watching in "Good Luck Chuck". And, man, does she look tasty in that blue Fan 4 uniform. But, Sue Storm isn't just a pretty face. She's a very strong, nurturing presence who's the glue that keeps the Fan 4 together. On top of that, she's very, very intelligent, as smart as her genius scientist husband. Alba just doesn't have a weighty enough presence to convincingly play someone like Sue Storm.


Venom.

Venom's a fan favorite for some reason. I've never been able to figure it out. He's basically Spidey on 'roids. I guess it probably has something to do with the fact that he has a bad-ass costume. Whatever. So, when it came time for "Spidey 3", Sony execs strong-armed Sam Raimi into including him. Sadly, Topher Grace was then cast, and the idea that he'd mirror Peter Parker was pretty good idea that didn't really pan out. The problem is really nothing more than Eddie Brock isn't developed well enough, he doesn't get enough time for us to really care about him, and he gets killed off in the end. Note to studio big-wigs: The multiple villain strategy really doesn't work.


Elektra.

I like Jennifer Garner. She's very pretty, very talented, and on "Alias" she proved she could kick copious quantities of ass. So, even though she wasn't the best fit for Elektra, who's an exotic, dark-haired Greek, and not the American girl-next-door, it seemed like it might work. And in "Daredevil", it actually did work. Elektra was the heart of that film. Well, apart from Jon Favreau's excellent portrayal of Foggy Nelson, that is. When it came time for an Elektra spin-off, the filmmakers stopped trying to do things that worked and started doing things that were safe. They gave Elektra motherly instincts and a Mini-Me tag-along. Hey, Fox Studios, "Elektra" ain't "Lone Wolf and Cub". Elektra comics are awesome because they're about an attractive woman in revealing attire kicking the stuffing out of ghost ninjas, hitmen, and whoever the Hell else gets in her way. If there was more of that in the movie, the character might have had a longer cinematic lifespan, and you might have made more green.


Deadpool.

Okay, this may be the queen-mother of Marvel movie character immolation. When Deadpool first shows up in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", he's a witty, wise-crackin' ass-kicker played most excellently by Ryan Reynolds. The hopes of Deadpool fans everywhere soar. Then he disappears from the story, only to return as a colossal cluster-hump of a character misfire. Deadpool turns out to be an experiment in which scientists have combined the powers of multiple mutants in one body. So he can teleport, shoot energy beams out of his eyes, heal himself, and just for good measure, he has samurai sword jammed into his arms. But worst of all, his mouth is sealed shut. Okay, what part of "Merc with the Mouth" did the filmmakers not understand? Deadpool's most endearing quality is his smack-talk. And as my buddy Ryan has pointed out, if someone did manage to seal Deadpool's mouth shut, the first thing he'd do is find a way to open in back up again.

Note: I realise there are many folks out there that think Gambit got jobbed in the "Wolvie" movie. I didn't include him for two simple reasons: I'm tired of talking and I think Gambit's super-lame. The End.

You Get Wise!! You Get To Church!!

A question: At what point, after you've stopped doing something, do you stop indentifying yourself by the activity you used to do? It's an interesting question. For example, do you still call Ice Cube a rapper even though he's mostly known for kiddie movies nowadays? Is he still considered an emcee? Or is he now just an actor? And if he's not an emcee anymore, why can't we just call him O'shea Jackson (his real name) instead of Ice Cube?

I ask pose this query for a reason. I'm currently an inactive member of the LDS (Mormons, for those not in the know) church. I haven't been to church since February, I haven't attended on a consistent basis in almost two years. I don't have a problem with any members in my congregation. I'm fine with my leaders. It has nothing to do with the doctrine. I believe in what the Church teaches. I even have a valiant home teacher (a ward member who's there to provide fellowship and spiritual support) who makes sure to come by at least once a week and is trying very hard to get me to come out to meeting and activities.

So why am I so unmotivated to go to church? I've been giving that a lot of thought lately. I'm sure some of the blame goes to the fact that I can't seem to get to bed before 3:00 in the a.m. Sunday morning. But, if I really wanted to be there, I'm pretty sure I'd find a way to be there. Another contributing factor is my fear of losing my individuality. Even though we're often taught in church that everybody's a special, unique spirit, there sure seems to be something about constant, continuous church activity that drives people to conform to certain expected patterns of behavior. I've never believed that the Lord wants me to think, talk, and act like everybody else. I also feel trying to live up to others' expectations is happiness suicide. And sometimes, I've felt unaccepted by more "normal Mormons".

Another factor in my church inactivity is simple skepticism. I don't know whether or not it'll help. It's pretty stupid, I know. Doubt, I suppose, is the shadow of fear, and I'm totally afraid of putting a lot of effort into my church activity, and not getting anything out of it. Throw that into the pot with my other issues, and you've got a pretty solid receipe for church inactivity.

There's one huge loophole in my way of thinking. There have been two periods in my life since I got out of high school where I've been truly happy. One was when I was in film school, and I got to be creative everyday. The other was a few years ago when I was going to church with the Sugar City, ID singles branch. I had quite a few friends who like me for who I was. I grew as a person. I had a lot of fun. Most importantly, I felt like I had some worth as a person.

I am currently at a crossroads in my life. Things over the past few years have been very, very difficult. There are many doors open to me, but I fear walking through them. I have serious committment issues, to say the least. I have so much to do, and there is absolutely no way I can do it all on my own. Thus far, that's been my M.O.; to try and take it all on myself, with no help. I've failed, most egregiously. It's time to try another tactic. I can either give up completely, or let the Lord do his part and let him lift some of the weight I've piled on myself. The latter is, obviously, the best answer. So, I guess I'll see you in church Sunday.

Killer TV Themes - Simon & Simon

OK, so I've really been diggin' on TV theme music lately, especially the music from shows I loved as a kid. So here's a new ongoing feature where I'll be nattering on about my favorite theme music.



I don't remember watching "Simon & Simon" much as a kid, but, holy pantaloons, did I love the opening credit sequence. The music's totally rad. Check it out. There's some wailin' slide guitar goin' on all over the place. Not only that, but that sax solo is bad-ass! After an opening theme like that, do you really need to watch the show. I vote "Nope".

The Greatest Movies I've Ever Seen - Superman: The Movie

"Superman: The Movie" is everything you love about old-school comics rolled into one very entertaining flick. Like splashy, colorful heroes? "Superman" has one. Like bigger than life villains? "Superman" has a couple of those. Like witty, stylized dialogue? "Superman" has a boatload of that. It's a bright, sunny, silly barrel of fun.

It's the tone of "Superman" that makes it work. It's not overly realistic, although, to that point in movie history, it was easily the most realistic comic book movie ever made. It's serious, but not too serious. The threat posed by Lex Luthor is real, and yet the movie doesn't get bogged down in the heaviness of the plot. There's plenty of humor to keep things fun. And Christopher Reeve's portrayal of the Man of Steel is serious enough to make you believe him as a character, yet light enough for you to want to hang out with him.

It's that balance of lightness to menace that's being lost in contemporary comic book films. In "Superman", Lex Luthor is a serious threat, yet he's also slightly goofy and Gene Hackman gives him a wonderful sense of silly humor. Today, the villains are infinitely more serious and present infinitely more danger. Some times they're psychos, sometimes they're just really pissed, but they all are capable of creating mass devastation. But at least the villains have personalities. Heroes have been whittled down until their defining characteristic is their will to stop the bad guy. They belch out minuscule amounts of dialogue designed to do nothing more than further the plot. In "Superman", Christopher Reeve's plays up Supes's heroic side but leavens it with a healthy dose of playfulness. He's a real guy, and not some cardboard cut-out placeholder that stays inanimate until it's time to vanquish the bad guy.

It's a shame that so few filmmakers make comic book movies like "Superman" nowadays. They prefer dark, gritty, and cool to colorful and fun, and I'm not really sure why. The two greatest comic book movie franchises of this current comic book movie boom have drawn directly from the DNA of "Superman". Those franchises, "Spider-Man" and "Iron Man", place emphasis on character instead of plot, and give us heroes we enjoy hanging out with. They have plenty of threatening bad guys, but also give us plenty of fun, funny, light moments. And those movies have been incredibly successful. Take note, filmmakers. If you wanna make a massive superhero hit, watch "Superman" and pay attention. You'll be glad you did.

Soundtrack of My Life

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Chronicle.

CCR's "Chronicle" may be a compilation of hits, and not a proper record, but it's still one of the most consistently listenable albums I've ever heard. Song after song is a tight, well-crafted piece of pop songwriting that encourages you to sing along. Front to back, there's not a single bum track here. It's nearly 70 minutes long but feels like it breezes by in about ten.

It's funny how you come to discover things you love sometimes. In the case of CCR, I had heard their music on the radio when I was very young, not knowing who they were. I knew a lot of their songs; "Down On The Corner", "Lookin' Out My Back Door", and "Who'll Stop The Rain" were as familiar as a favorite blanket. But I didn't really get into Creedence until I bought Tesla's "Five-Man Acoustic Jam". That record included a cover of "Lodi", and that was one of my favorite songs on "Five-Man". I remember reading the album credits and seeing that Tesla didn't write that song. Some dude name John Fogerty had. After a bit of research, I learned that Fogerty had fronted CCR, and I went out and purchased a copy of "Chronicle".

For a metal-headed kid who loved protracted guitar solos, "Chronicle" was a powerful lesson in economical song-writing. Most of the songs clock in at around three minutes, with the bare minimum of instrumental wankery. And you never miss it. Fogerty knows how to write hooky melodies, and is a master at combining pop songwriting craft with rootsy, country-fried, down-home grooves. Songs like "Green River" and "Lodi" bear testament to Fogerty's country/rock genius. But, that's not all you get. "Fortunate Son" is a raging proto-punk protest tune. "Long As I Can See The Light" and "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?" are ballads that are as pretty as anything anybody else has written. The lyrics to "Lookin' Out My Back Door" seem to describe an acid trip, but the song's pure joy. Every single tune on the record's familiar in the best sense of the word.

I think the reason I love "Chronicle" so much is that it's pure happy music. I can't listen to it and not crack a smile. It's effervescent, energetic music that's very hard not to like. That's a hard thing to pull off. Too often, bands that try to make happy music come off as cheesey and insincere. But not CCR. I never doubt them for a second.

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 11

"Never Been Kissed"

The Players: Copy Editor Josie Gellar (Drew Barrymore), Josie's brother Rob (David Arquette), and school teacher Sam (Michael Vartan).

The Story: Josie edits copy at the Chicago Sun-Times, but dreams of being a reporter. She gets her chance when she's assigned to go undercover at a local school and craft a story about what contemporary teenagers are all about. She struggles to find her niche, but gets a boost from Sam, her literature teacher, and soon they're falling for each other. Then, Rob decides to go back to high school, and helps Josie become popular, which pushes her very close to becoming something she never wanted to be.

The Reaction: Ever notice how many movies set their climaxes at a school dance of some kind? I'm not just talking about chick flicks. "Encino Man", "Back to the Future" and plenty of other films also set the high point of the action in their stories at a school dance. I'm starting to wonder if kids put so much emphasis on Prom and other such events because there are so damn many movies where a dance plays an important role. It's like if you don't go to Prom, you'll miss some sort of transformative experience. Really?

Some of the relationships in this movie kinda creeped me out. I don't see how Josie could go weak-kneed for the school heart-throb. He may look good, but that seems like as far as it would go. I mean what are a twenty-something professional and a high school kid gonna talk about? I also don't get why Sam threw a fit when he found out how old Josie really was. Did he have some sort of dirty teacher/student fantasy playing in his head? If I was in his shoes, I'd be relieved that I wasn't a dirty old man and totally stoked to find somebody to talk to.

What's It All Mean?: There's someone out there for everybody, and when you find them, something magical will happen to let you know they're the one.

Can Guys Get Into It?: If they daydream about reliving the glory days of high school, then sure. And Jessica Alba and her posse were fun to look at.

What Can I Learn From This?: High school haunts us all.

Liquid Kryptonite

There you have it folks: incontrovertible evidence of Pepsico's hatred of refugees from Planet Krypton. A dose of this kryptonite-derived potion weakens the will of a mere human, but it could knock Superman down for the count. Maybe even take him down for good...;)

Crush of the Week!!!!

This week, COTW is goin' old-school and honoring a crush from days gone by. I'm talking Danica McKellar, aka Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years". She stole the hearts of millions of 12-14 year-old boys back then, but now's she's grown up to be a straight-up heartbreaker. Not only is she hot, she graduated summa cum laude from UCLA with a degree mathematics, and today she writes books encouraging middle school girls not to be intimidated by math. To top it off, she even has a math theorem named after her (and two other people). Here's hoping the young girls of our great nation stop trying to be like Paris Hilton or Lady Gaga or whoever and start trying to be like Danica McKellar, this week's Crush of the Week!!!!

The Greatest Movies I've Ever Seen - American Movie

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams". If there's any truth to that then the future belongs to people like Mark Borchardt. Mark is a man doggedly pursuing the realisation of his dream. "American Movie" is his story.

The dream that Mark's chasing is his goal to make "the great American movie". He believes he will accomplish that by directing a movie he wrote called "Northwestern". He assembles a cast and crew with the intention of driving head-first into production. His only problem is that he can't seem to make anyone working with him have faith in the project. After watching the size of his crew dwindle over the course of several dispiriting meetings, Mark decides that the only way he'll complete "Northwestern" is to first finish "Coven" a short horror film he began shooting several years earlier.

This proves to be a Herculean task. First he has to put together a cast and crew up for shooting "Coven". Next, he has to procure funding, which he does by hitting his uncle up for money. As cast and crew fail to show up for shoot days, Mark finds that the only people he can really count on are his mother and his best friend Mike Schank. On top of that, Mark's personal life is a disaster. He lives his life under extreme financial duress. He drifts from one dead-end job to another. He's locked in a custody battle with his ex. No one seems to believe Mark can accomplish any of what he says he can. None of this de-rails Mark, as he pushes toward his goal of completing "Coven".

Although it's easy to call Mark a "dirtbag" or "white trash", he carries himself with a strange nobility. He believes himself, even when there's no real proof that he should. He sees himself as a work in progress, who some day will be living the good life. He refuses to sell himself out. There's something to be admired in that. True, Mark's ultimate dream may elude him, but he tries with everything he has to achieve it. All too often, I think people give up on what they really want to do or what will make them truly happy because someone tells them they're stupid or they are trying to live up to someone else's expectations. Mark Borchardt refuses to let anyone else to him what do to or what will make him happy. That's what makes "American Movie" great. It documents a story about being true to yourself and hanging on to your dreams, not matter how impractical they may seem. "American Movie" reminds us that perhaps success isn't measured by the wealth you accumulate or how cool you appear to be. Maybe success is measured by how far you chase your dreams.

R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio

Ronnie James Dio 7/10/1942 - 5/16/10. Horns up to you, sir. You'll be missed.

Soundtrack of My Life

Lamb of God - "Ashes of the Wake"

The 90's were a bad time to live through if you were a metalhead. Snooty critics and rock journalists rejoiced as grunge bands came along to kick the vapid, inauthentic hair metal posers to the curb. Unfortunately, grunge also obliterated a lot of real, good metal bands. Suddenly, it became totally uncool to have long hair and know how to play your instrument. Metal appeared to be dead. Metal, however, was far from dead. It was thriving in Europe. Black metal was king in Norway. Swedish bands like In Flames, At The Gates, and Dark Tranquility were putting a melodic spin on death metal.

In America, metalheads in out-of-the-way locales like, say, Sugar City, Idaho were pretty much out of the loop. That's where I found myself back in the day. I didn't know about Euro-metal. There weren't a lot of new metal bands coming out. Seemed like the only bands out there a metal-lover could cling to were Pantera and Zakk Wylde's Black Label Society. I moved on to other musical interests. Thanks to Weezer, I got way into power pop. Bands like Nerf Herder and American Hi-Fi replaced the metal bands I used to listen to. I tried listening to stuff like Korn and Limp Bisciut, I just didn't get the same charge I got out of hearing a good Testament tune.

Then, while perusing an issue of Guitar World magazine a few years later, I came across an article on a band called Lamb of God. The article described the band's sound as "metalcore", a mixture of thrash metal and hardcore punk. I was intrigued, so I picked up a copy of "Ashes of the Wake", and after one listen, I was back into metal, BIG TIME.

Lamb of God is a seriously skilled collective of musicians. Lead screamer Randy Blythe doesn't sing a single very much. Instead, he roars like an infuriated T-Rex. He squeals, he barks, and he screeches. When I first heard L.O.G., I was unaccustomed to vocalists who didn't sing, and was a bit put off at first. What kept me listening is the music. Drummer Chris Adler creates impossibly technical beats, filled with shrapnel clouds of cymbals and rhino herds of double-kick drum licks. Guitarists Willie Adler and Mark Morton and bass player John Campbell spit out riffs that sound like what you might get if Slayer played a gig on speed. It all comes together in a thick heavy slab of sound that almost knocks you over on its' way out of your speakers.

As if that weren't enough, Lamb of God is positive livid on "Ashes" and that gives the record an added kick in the butt. Many of the songs are about George W. Bush and how much he was screwing over the nation. Randy Blythe doesn't pull any punches, dropping lyrical bombs like "send the children to the fire/ sons and daughters stack the pyre/ stoke the flame of the empire/ live to lie another day". The rest of the band provides plenty of musical pyrotechnics. Check out the riffing on tunes like "Hourglass", "Now You've Got Something To Die For", "Blood of the Scribe". Morton and Adler's riffs shame a lot of bands' solos. For sheer, jaw-dropping rhythm technique, they're hard to beat. Elsewhere, the band throws down a mighty mid-tempo dino-stomp rocker on "Omerta". The instrumental title track sports some wicked soloing, but it's just as interesting for how effortlessly the band changes tempo and direction.

"Ashes of the Wake" is important to me for a couple of reasons. First, it led me to discover a bunch of great contemporary metal acts like Mastodon, Unearth, and Killswitch Engage. Secondly, it inspired me to pick up my guitar and work harder. If the dudes in Lamb of God can play like that, I realised, then my pitiful Weezer-knock-off riffs aren't gonna cut it. Finally, it helped me through the G. W. Bush years. It's hard to describe how unpleasant it was living in a Republican stronghold, watching Bush trying to flush the country down the toilet, and not being able to talk to anyone about it. If it weren't for "Ashes of the Wake", I'd probably still be trying purge the eight years worth of frustration that built up during the Bush administration. Note: If you see me at church, grinning when someone's reading a scripture that references the Lamb of God, I'm not making fun of the scriptures person reading. I'm thinking to myself "Lamb of God's a frickin' killer band!!".

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 10

"Sleepless In Seattle"

The Players: Sam (Tom Hanks), a widowed architect, and Annie (Meg Ryan), a writer who doesn't believe in destiny.

The Story: Sam and his son, Jonah (Ross Malinger), have moved to Seattle in the wake of the death of Sam's wife. Meanwhile, Annie is engaged to Walter (Bill Pullman) and spends a whole scene spouting off about how she doesn't believe in destiny of the "magic" of love. But, she changes her tune when she hears Sam on a radio talk show and decides it's her destiny to meet him. The rest of the movie is basically a cat and mouse game of Annie chasing Sam until they finally meet at the end of the movie.

The Reaction: I understand that this flick's considered a Hollywood romance classic, but man was I ever bored. Nothing really seems to happen in this movie. People sit around and talk. They watch movies. Every once in a while, somebody'll get on a plane, but "Sleepless" is seriously eventless. Of course, the problem may have been that I had seen the end of the movie like six times but I'd never seen the whole thing, so I knew things would turn out. Still, if this is a realistic portrayal of people falling in love, I hope it never happens to me 'cuz I'll be bored out of my mind.

One more thing - Jonah was not my favorite movie character ever. The kid looked like a cross between Yoda and Gizmo from "Gremlins". And he was so annoying. Stomping around whining, trying to manipulate what Sam does (and eventually succeeding). The way I look at it, if filmmakers want you to have sympathy for characters, they need to earn said sympathy. That didn't happen in "Sleepless". That kid bugged me so bad, I didn't care whether things panned out for him or not.

What's It All Mean?: There is such a thing as destiny. Also, the one you may think is your only one may, in fact, not be your only one.

Can Guys Get Into It?: There's a scene in the movie where Annie and one of her friends discuss how guys don't get "An Affair To Remember". I'm gonna put "Sleepless In Seattle" in that same category, 'cuz I'm not sure it's one guys will "get". I know I didn't "get" it.

What Can I Learn From This?: If you're persistent enough, stalking works.

Never Too Early For Bad Predictions

The Major League Baseball season is in full swing. The NBA is knee-deep in its seemingly interminable postseason. And in the NHL... something's going on. That means the NFL season is right around the corner. O.K., not really, but I'm gonna do some forecasting anyway, just for fun. Here are eight teams, one from each division, that are sure make the 2010 NFL season interesting.

New York Jets

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: A lot, and I mean A LOT, of so-called experts think the AFC East is the Jets' to lose. They made significant additions to a team the reached the conference championship, including WR Santonio Holmes and CB Antonio Cromartie. But three things make me nervous about this team. 1. They weren't that good last year. They finished 9-7. True, they went on an impressive tear at the end of the season and the playoffs, but they barely got to the payoffs and they can't surprise anybody this year. 2. They gutted their running game. Shonn Greene was awesome down the stretch last year, but the Jets sent Thomas Jones and Leon Washington packing. Ladanian Tomlinson joins Greene, but does he have anything left? And don't forget, Alan Faneca's gone now, too. How does that affect the O-line? 3. New England's still the class of the division. They still have Belichik and Brady, and as long as those two dudes are in Foxboro, the Patriots will be hard to beat.

Cincinnati Bengals

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: Halloweentown's favorite team hasn't been very good at staying on a roll lately. After winning the AFC North crown last year, will they sink or swim? They signed troublemakers Antonio Bryant and Pac-Man Jones. Why? Does collecting wayward souls feel better about the Bengals lack of football success? This could be a big year. Coach Marvin Lewis doesn't want to deal with headache players and if things go south this season, he may just hit the road.

Houston Texans

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: The Texans are on the cusp of playoff contention, coming off the first winning season in team history. They have plenty of offensive firepower, and if they can find a running game to complement Matt Schaub and the passing game, they could be nigh unto unstoppable. But the real story will be the Texans defense. They played well enough to help the team get to 9-7. Will they continue to improve? And how will they respond the absence of LB Brain Cushing as he serves his suspension? No matter what, the Texans should be fun to watch.

Oakland Raiders

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: It would appear the Al Davis has finally pulled his head out of his butt. The Raiders shocked draftniks this year by drafting players based on their footballs skills rather than their 40-yard dash times. They signed Jason Campbell to solidify the QB position. And they finally kicked lazy, unfocused Jamarcus Russell to the curb. All these moves make sense. On top of that, they played pretty well at times last year, especially on defense. If they can get Campbell settled and find him some weapons to work with, they'll be dangerous.

New York Giants

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: This could be the last stand for coach Tom Coughlin and GM Jerry Reese. The Giants are way too talented to suck as badly as they did on defense last year. They need to pull together some depth in the secondary, which was ravaged by injuries in 2009, and find a way to light a fire under the D-line, who underperformed woefully last year. If the defense improves and Eli Manning gets more help from the Giants' running game, the playoffs are a real possibility. If not, Coughlin and Reese may be out on their ears.

Chicago Bears

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: They Bears have been slip-sliding into mediocrity ever since their 2006 Super Bowl trip. Coach Lovie Smith is on the hot seat, and they just added Mike Martz to help the offense become more explosive. They have the QB in Jay Cutler, who's coming off a terrible season, but he doesn't have much to work with, and the O-line is full of more holes than a pair of fishnet stockings. On defense, just staying healthy would probably work wonders for the Bears. Smith needs a strong season to stick around. How will he work with Martz? How will Cutler respond after his atrocious play last year? How will the Bears hold off the Lions to avoid becoming the NFC North's new cellar dwellers?

Atlanta Falcons

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: The Falcons got punched in the gonads by injuries last year, especially in the defensive backfield. Matt Ryan has a nice assortment of tools to play with. The Falcons need to get more quality play from the defensive line, and RB Michael Turner needs to get back to his 2008 form, but Atlanta's as dangerous as anyone in the NFC. They don't have an easy task getting past the Super Bowl Champion Saints, but they have recent history on their side. No team has won consecutive NFC South titles since, well, ever.

Seattle Seahawks

Keep An Eye On Them 'Cuz: The Sea-Chickens could've done nothing this offseason and still improved their status in the division. That's 'cuz the Cardinals lost a bunch of pieces, including QB Kurt Warner, and that puts this division up for grabs. But, Seattle hired coach Pete Carroll away from USC and had a very good draft weekend, landing not only a tackle, Russell Okung, to replace Walter Jones and a solid WR in Golden Tate, but they also landed RBs LenDale White and Leon Washington. If they can keep QB Matt Hasslebeck upright and patch up the holes in the defense, the Sea-Chickens could challenge for a division title.

Soundtrack of My Life

Harry Connick, Jr. - "We Are In Love"

I used to be deathly afraid of singing. True story. The facts are these: I was talking to some dudes in wood shop about some old Anthrax song. They didn't know what song I was talking about, so they asked if I could sing it for them. I tried singing a few lines, but they stopped me and assured me that my voice sucked and that, should my life depend on my ability to sing, I should just count on taking a dirt nap. Their criticism stung, particularly because I'd heard them attempt to sing and they sucked every bit as badly as I did. But the damage was done, and for years I wouldn't open my mouth to sing even when I was violently rocked by the desire to do so.

Fast forward a few years: I was taking classes at the local college and kinda starting to become my own person. I was also spending a lot of time hanging out with the dudes who I'd grow to consider life-long best friends. One of the guys was a guy named James. He had a predilection for singing along with his car radio. We would drive around in his little orange Subaru hatchback that we nicknamed "Rock 'N' Roll Pumpkin" after the Green Jello (not "Green Jelly") song. He'd have his boom box in the back seat, blasting out the tunes, while he'd wail along. Among his favorite sing-along albums was "We Are In Love". It was a shock to my system to replace the Megadeth or Alice In Chains that I was blasting in my car with Harry Connick, Jr. For quite some time, I wouldn't join in, partially because I didn't know the words, but mostly 'cuz I didn't wanna hear about my lack of singing talent. And since we were always driving around with the windows rolled down, it seemed likely that it would be some hot college girl telling me how bad I suck. I just didn't feel like I could take that kind of rejection.

Slowly but surely, James's HCJ sing-alongs wore down my wall of resistance and I began to join in. I was plenty nervous at first, but James never said anything too negative and before long I was able to carry a tune. It helped that "We Are In Love" is pretty easy to sing along with. The lyrics are clearly articulated and the melodies are pretty easy to get stuck in your head. And because Harry's not a real flashy singer, it's easy to sing along and not feel inferior, because he's not wailing like Rob Halford or Bruce Dickinson. Within a few months, I had fallen in love with car singing, and was proficient enough at it to do it in my own car.

Listening to "We Are In Love" now brings a rush of good memories to mind. And that's why this record is of such value to me. I understand that Harry isn't doing much on this record beyond mimicking his idols. It's derivative and unoriginal. And I couldn't care less. Songs like the title track and "I've Got A Great Idea" are bubbly, feel-good tunes that make you smile. "Heavenly" and "It's Alright With Me" are awesome, infectious sing-along fodder. "We Are In Love" doesn't make me wanna scream at strangers on the street or light stuff on fire, but it does wanna don a jacket and tie and go hang out at a smokey jazz club. More importantly, it makes me wanna sing. Every time I crank my car stereo, roll down the windows, and add my voice to to the voices coming outta my speakers, I remember that my love of singing started with my good friend James and Harry Connick, Jr. Thanks, dudes.

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 9

"Legally Blonde"

The Players: Sorority sister Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon), Warner Huntington III (Matthew Davis), the love of Elle's life, and Emmett (Luke Wilson), a handsome teacher's assistant.

The Story: When Warner dumps Elle for fear that she detrimental to the political career he doesn't have yet, Elle follows him to law school at Harvard. Once there, she struggles to overcome the prejudices intellectuals have against blonde hotties. But she's got more talent for practicing law than anyone could have imagined, and before long, she's learned not only that she's more than just a pretty face, but also that there are more guys out there than just Warner. (i.e. Emmett.)

The Reaction: I'm kinda embarrassed to say that I actually enjoyed this movie. I can't help it. It's just fun watch Elle realise that she's an intelligent, capable, talented young woman. Maybe it comes from the hope that someday I'll have a similar realisation about myself. (Not holding my breath.) It helps that Reese Witherspoon is fantastic in this role. Elle's ridiculously shallow when we meet her, but she's so confident in herself, and ignorant of what her supposed role in the world is supposed to be, that it's impossible not to pull for her. Witherspoon is able to convince us that Elle could actually journey from being an airhead to brilliant, where as many other pretty blonde actresses who try to play smart characters come off like pretty blonde girls reading big words they can't define off cue cards. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that Witherspoon's adorable.

What It All Mean?: You have to take risks to learn who you are and what you're capable of.

Can Guys Get Into It?: I can't say yes, mainly because this is definitely a "Girl Power" movie. It's all about one woman, over coming her obstacles. I'm not sure how many dudes would be interested in that.

What Can I Learn From This?: Confidence and ignorance are a very powerful combination. And guys who work in law school admittance offices like pretty girls in bikinis just as much as the rest of us.

Behind Enemy Lines - Chapter 8

"Save The Last Dance"

The Players: Sara (Julia Stiles) and Derek (Sean Patrick Thomas), two high school kids with a passion for dance.

The Story: This is a story of two kids from different backgrounds dancing their way to love. In the process, they must deal with racial issues and find the strength to chase their dreams.

The Reaction: The story in "Last Dance" is a fairly tired one: Boy and girl from opposite sides of the tracks fall in love, blah, blah, blah. Usually in this kind of story, it seems the guy's kind of a rascal, and the woman has to teach him what's really important and get him to settle down. "Last Dance" kinda flips that around. Sara's the damaged one who needs to learn a lesson. Instead of being a scoundrel, Derek's a strong, intelligent, genuinely good person who teaches Sara what's important and how to be strong. I actually found that fairly refreshing.

The dancing in "Last Dance" is kind of an interesting commentary on Derek and Sara's feelings for each other. The closer they are emotionally, the more in sync they are when they dance. Sara is at her best as a performer when she's feeling love for Derek. I'm sure I'm not the only person who's noticed this and it's likely that the director approached the dance numbers with that very idea in mind. Nevertheless, it's an interesting way to use something nonverbal to communicate an emotional state.

What's It All Mean?: As Derek's sister Chenille says: "You can't help who you love".

Can Guys Get Into It?: Probably. This movie is a bit like "Boyz In The Hood" with dance numbers and a love story thrown in just for fun. Plus there's a pretty cool catfight about 2/3 of the way in.

What Can I Learn From This?: It's not how good you look, it's how well you move.

Crush Of The Week!!!!

Picking this week's COTW was pretty easy. She's on movie screens all over the world making "Iron Man 2" a little bit more fun to watch. I'm talkin' about the beautiful and talented Scarlett Johansson. She's been in all different kinds of movies, from period dramas like "The Other Bolyn Girl" to romantic comedies like "He's Just Not That Into You" to whatever the hell "The Spirit" was. I'm currently praying that the success of "IM2" will lead to a Black Widow movie. I'd be first in line for that! With that said, let's have a big round of appause for Scarlett Johansson, this week's Crush of the Week!!!!

Solitude On A Sunday Morning

I woke up at a little after 7:00 this morning. It sucked 'cuz I went to bed at about 1:00, and didn't really sleep that well. I didn't feel like trying to fall back to sleep, so I decided to get cleaned up and go for a drive.

You can only drive aimlessly with no tunes for so long before you get bored and need to stop and get out of the car. Problem is, I was just outside of Rexburg. If you know anything about Rexburg, you know that the town is basically a graveyard between midnight and 8:00 in the a.m. Add that to the fact that, even when the town is hoppin', there's nothing to do in Rexburg besides go to the movies and get married, and you've got yourself a bit of a problem if you're an insomniac with cabin fever. You have very few options. You can go hang out in front of one of the Maverick stores, but that gets old real fast. You can go walk around at the nature park, but it usually smells like sewage early in the morning. Finally, you can go hang out at Wal-Mart, but they hadn't opened yet.

I thought over my options and went with none of the above. I decided to peruse the local car lots. There's something nice about being able to step onto a car lot and not being besieged by salesmen within seven seconds of your arrival. I saw what $40,000 worth of car looks like. (It's a brand new, dark blue Dodge Challenger. Sweet machine.) I had a few daydreams of my younger self picking up girls in that car. Then I realised that if I did own a car like that, I'd skip the chasing girls and proceed straight to trying to drive it Dukes of Hazzard-style. It all ends with me jumping the car across the Henry's Fork. YEEEE HAWWW!!!

By the time I'd finished indulging my sports-car-induced, lead-footed daydreams, Wal-Mart was open. I don't mind telling you that a space that's as noisy as Wally World typically is, gets pretty damn eerie when it's dead quiet in the morning. As I wandered the aisles of DVDs, T-shirts, and discounted junk food, the most prevalent sound was the subdued wooshing of the air conditioner. Occasionally, the silence would be shattered by the crackle of distorted voices issuing from an employee's walkie-talkie or the rattle-squeak of a passing shopping cart. But for the most part, Wal-Mart was a tomb this morning.

That's when I realised I was addicted to noise. If there was some kind of Apocalyptic end-of-the-world scenario, and I managed to survive it, I'd go crazy from the lack of white noise constantly pressing into my ears. On bright side, there'd be nobody to tell me to turn my music down. Then again, what's the point of playing your music too loud if there's nobody around to annoy.