Don't: A Rant

About two weeks ago, I saw something on social media that sent me spiraling into a deep depression. Each day since has been one flavor of despondency or another. One day is filled with suicidal depression and the next with weepy rage. The good days recently have been the ones when I just feel numb to everything. You get the picture.

I've learned to put out what I'm feeling, and when I did so this time, a whole bunch of messages came raining down. Stuff like "Let me know if you need to talk," "I'm here for you," and "I'll drop everything if you need me." Unfortunately, whether the people who told me that stuff meant it or not, the vast majority of them did not or could not back up their words.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some very cool fuckers who have reached out to check on me. Extra special credit goes to my bestie Sparkles, who's done so much to buoy my spirits in spite of the fact that she's suffering through emotional issues herself AND recently underwent surgery. (Not all heroes wear capes. Some of them sparkle.) But more often than not, I don't hear anything back. Crickets.

Let me break down what being ghosted on does to someone like myself. I'm already dealing with feelings of worthlessness and have to really talk myself up before I can reach out. I feel very nervous that I might be annoying or that I don't deserve any of anyone else's time. I go through the anxiety that accompanies the uncertainty of not hearing from someone you've pushed yourself to contact. In the end, all the beliefs I have about being worthless are confirmed and I sink even lower into the mire.

What makes all this even worse is when you're told how important you are to someone. Or that they love you and they're there for you. In those cases, I deal with feeling like I'm being lied to for no reason. I don't do that. I don't tell someone they're important to me then abandon them with no explanation. Not unless you've pushed me to the end of my wits. If I tell you I'm there for you, I'm there for you.

It seems almost cruel to build someone up like that just to let them down in the end. Since I believe most people are genuinely decent, I've decided maybe they just don't know guidelines or understand how they need to treat their fellow humans. So, let me drop a few suggestions for you.

• Don't tell someone you love them if you don't mean it.
• Don't tell someone you care about them then ignore them. 
• Don't tell someone they're important to you then cast them aside like a bag of garbage.
• Don't offer help to someone then ghost them when they reach out.
• Don't use issues you might be suffering through as an excuse if you're not gonna do anything to deal with said issues.

I understand that I'm guilty of doing these Don'ts myself and if you've been hurt by my doing these Don'ts, I sincerely apologize. But there's no reason for us to treat one another so coldly. Just be up front and honest. It hurts sooooooo much more to find out that someone who's told you they love you doesn't really care that it does if you just tell them right out of the gate. Employ a little self-awareness and empathy. Why is that so much to ask?

</rant>