If I Could Speak to You One Last Time...

During my healing session today, we talked a lot about painful emotions that I've bottled up, the kind of stuff that's blocked up my ability to grow and progress. We talked about stuff I've squirreled away inside myself and stuff that other people, like my parents, have contributed to this emotional dam.

We talked about releasing a lot of this shit that I've got balled up inside me, stuff that's blocking me from being who I really am. Sitting here tonight, I realized that few people have gotten as much pain and negativity gummed up inside my heart as Girl X. You. So this is an attempt to get those feeling out and, hopefully, sever whatever ties are still binding me to you. Here goes nothing.

If I could speak to you one more time, I'd tell you that you are thoughtless, self-absorbed and completely lacking in self-awareness. You broke my heart over and over, continually drawing me close to you then pushing me away. You made me deal with your dating drama despite the fact that you knew how I felt about you. You claimed I was important to you, that you loved me, then treated me like trash again and again and again. I lost count of how many times you whined to me about men in your life abusing you. As it turns out, you were abusing me at the same time.

If I could speak to you one more time, I'd tell you how fucking impossible you are to get along with sometimes. Because of your beliefs in spiritual shit like crystals and chakras and psychic abilities, you claimed the ability to know what other people are thinking and read their thoughts. As a result, you accused me of doing heinous shit that I never did. Stuff that ranged from running my mouth when you weren't around to sexually abusing women. STUFF. I. NEVER. FUCKING. DID. And because you claimed to know what I was truly thinking, there was no way for me to defend myself, nothing I could say or do to convince you how wrong you were. You got angry at me for no reason. You hurled incredibly painful insults at me, shit you just don't say to someone you love. You broke me and I tried to walk away sooooo many times. Thank the fucking Maker you moved all the way across the country.

If I could speak to you one more time, I'd make sure you knew that I knew how dishonest you were with me. I caught you in lies all the time. They were always little things, like telling me that you never went anywhere or saw anyone then telling me about some party you went to like five minutes later. Why did you feel like you had to lie about such unimportant shit? And what else were you lie to me about? You know, for someone who demanded such a high level of honesty from her nearest and dearest, you're really a fucking hypocrite.

If I could speak to you one more time, I would make damn good and sure that you knew how badly having you in my life broke me. I don't trust myself to establish friendships with people and I've developed a stunning talent for letting people who negatively impact my mental health into my life. I can't trust myself to go after women I develop an interest in because I wanted you so badly and you were fucking poison. And why would anyone want me? After all, you said the thought of being with me physically made you sick. What if all women I meet feel that way about me and can I trust the ones that tell me I'm attractive?

If I could speak to you one more time, I'd tell you that in spite of all the above I still love you. Like, deeply love you. I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you. I know for a fact that I'll never love another human being the way I loved you. I don't really want to. I don't want to open myself up to this kind of hurt and damage ever again. This means if the planets line up funny and I actually meet someone who reciprocates my interest, I'll probably never be able to forge a connection with them. Thanks a lot. Ha ha, bitch.

Most importantly, if I could speak to you one more time,  I'd tell you that you don't deserve me. You don't deserve someone who loves you for who you are and isn't just trying to get into your pants. You don't deserve someone who puts up with your insanity and still chooses to be seen in public with you. You don't deserve someone who will drop everything to come talk you off the metaphorical edge, which I did. Time after motherfucking time. Who listens to you bitch about your love life while the feeling that accompanies being completely invisible to you as a possible romantic interest shreds his heart like Wolverine gone berserker and his hope is crushed down to the point where it becomes a black hole and eats away at whatever is left of his soul. YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE THAT LOYAL. And until you realize that you aren't the only person in the universe who thoughts and feelings are relevant, you never fucking will.