You Handed Me the Scissors

"I miss all the things we could have done..."

That's how I found out that you were gone, moved clear across the country. That's how you chose to tell me that you abandoned me. That was the last straw. That was reality kicking me in the head, the very instant I FINALLY woke up and began to realize that it was time to cut you out of my life. Completely.

Let's jump in the Way-Back machine real quick and survey how we got here. I met you through a writing group of which I was once a member. It was actually quite some time before we actually spoke to one another. I remember thinking you were really attractive, but I had nothing to say to you, no reason to try to get your attention. For months, you were nice window dressing for our monthly writers meetings and nothing else.

Then, someone referred me to you, as someone who could help you with a screenplay you were working on. I agreed out of a sense of obligation. Like, if I have this knowledge, it's my duty to share it with anyone who needs it. With great power comes great responsibility, right?

So I met with you. And this didn't unfold the way two people getting to know one another usually goes. Nope. Almost immediately, I recognized that you were different. Special. We had conversations I always wanted to have with a woman. No bullshit about church or your kids or your exes. We talked about art cinema, astronomy, and spirituality. We talked about ghosts and dreams and aliens and all kinds of other crazy shit. We talked about life and love. It was awesome. YOU were awesome.

Before long, I was feeling something beyond a friendly attachment for you. I loved you. Full-blown fucking LOVED you. I saw a future of us together, traveling and adventuring together, holding each other, finding peace and enlightenment together.

I tried to keep a ceiling on my feelings cuz I wasn't deluded enough to think I had a legitimate shot with you. I fought it for months, and it fucking hurt. I finally gave myself permission to feel love for you. I knew I had no shot, but it was nice to something to hope for. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel rudderless.

And that's where the problems started. Once it got out that I was in love with you (through a series of events that was a clusterfuck in its own right), it was time to do the Disappointment Tango. I don't know why finding out you didn't reciprocate my feelings for you was such a blow. It certainly wasn't a surprise. But it was a definite blow, and I tried to handle it in as mature a way as I could. We were friends, close friends. I wouldn't have fallen for you if we weren't friends. I believe that's how love starts: it begins as friendship and blossoms into something deeper, more intimate, and more profound.

So, I made the decision to keep you in my life in spite of the fact that you didn't love me the way I loved you. And, GOOD GOD, did I ever suffer for that decision. The low point? The day you asked me to hang out and you brought along the guy you just started dating. I had no idea that was going on, so when you two started putting your hands all over each other, it was like someone dropping an anvil on my nutsack.

I should've moved on then. I tried. I gave you back the paintings you painted for me. But after a couple of weeks without you in my life, I caved. I justified coming back because you didn't mean to hurt me. You just didn't think. You didn't consider what seeing you hanging all over some other dude would do to me. If I didn't know you better, I would think what you did was incredibly cruel and heartless. But I knew you well enough to know it wasn't malicious.

So I came back. Then some jackass you were dating decided to lie to you about me and run his mouth about me to my friends. When I tried to talk to you about it, you flipped it around on me and it became an argument about why I was the asshole.

Then there were all the times you got pissed at me for things I never even did. And the times you took off without telling me. No chance to say goodbye. No chance for closure. There were all the times you flaunted your love life in front of me. Oh my Lord. Did I really let you do all this shit to me? What was wrong with me?

Oh, but it gets worse. What about all the new age bullshit I tried to study and understand, despite the fact that I don't believe in any of that crystals, chakras, energy bullshit. There was all the stuff I tried to feign belief in just so I could be closer to what I thought you wanted. I was soooooooo dishonest. I lost my love for life. I lost my edge as an artist. I lost who I really am. For what? What the fuck was I holding on to?

Well, that's easy to answer. There was a point in our friendship where you were leaving on a trip to Hawaii. I knew you wanted the fuck out of Idaho, and I figured you wouldn't come back. As we conversed, I told you that I didn't know if I wanted to marry you, or date you forever. I just wanted a chance. And you said that the timing was bad but at some point in the future, you might actually give me a chance.

I clung to that like a drowning sailor clings to a piece of ship debris. I soooooo believed you. You have no idea how much power that one statement had over me. So, I hung on. Through all the shitty boyfriends who mistreated and abused you. Through all the pain of not being able to be what I wanted to be to you. It took years for me to finally realize that my chance would never come. And through that time, I got my heart broken over and over and over.

But everything ends, and so that's where we find ourselves now. I got over the desire to be your boyfriend, although I never got over being attracted to you.  I realized you and I would never work. Eventually, I began to question whether I even needed you in my life anymore. Then you left and forced me to wake up and realize I needed to completely sever that tie.

And after waking up, I realized that how blind and stupid I've been. What hurts the most is the knowledge that I have no one to blame but myself. I chose you over and over and over. I sabotaged my own personal progress in hopes of being able to be available when you needed me. I was stupid. I was blinded by fantasy. I completely recalibrated my definition of friendship to accommodate my relationship with you.

I lost important relationships because I was too blind to see things from their perspectives. I completely centered my life around you, and you couldn't even treat me the way friends treat friends. And it's my fault. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from you. I didn't love myself enough to do what was best for me. I lied to you about how you impacted my life. I was a complete asshole. On and on and on...

And yet, I've also come to realize that while I bear the ultimate responsibility, you definitely didn't help. I always drove you around, and while I was happy to do it, you never made any effort to come see me. When I needed someone to talk to, you were never there. Whenever we had issues to talk about, you never listened to me. My feeling were never important to you. Friendship is supposed to be a two-way street, but your lane was super wide, and my lane was basically nonexistent.

I saw a meme or something like that around the time I was stripping myself away from another friendship that had become toxic. It said "If I cut you out of my life, chances are you handed me the scissors." That seems to fit here. Although I take the blame for not standing up for myself and not being honest with you, the way you treated me ultimately led me to walk away. You've left before and have always come back. But this time, I really hope you stay gone. Even if you don't, you're no longer part of my life. I'm finally ready to move on.

In other words, snip snip, motherfucker. Sorry for the novel. Phewwww. Who else needs a drink?