Oops... I Did It Again

Oh, dear.

Almost 60 days ago, I decided it was time to give breaking my soda-drinking habit a concentrated, sustained try. I was tired of feeling like hammered shit and thought kicking pop to the curb would be a good step in the right direction. I also saw quitting soda as a first step in changing my lifestyle from that of a junk food black hole that could ingest a whole large pizza by myself in one sitting to something much more healthy. Something less sedentary where I feel less ashamed of my food habits.

So I set out on a mission to quit drinking soda pop. For the first 55 days, I was wildly successful. I abstained like a motherfucker, not drinking a single drop of soda. I found other alternatives and while those alternatives didn't scratch the exact same itch that pop did, they did take a lot of the edge off. I wrote dopey little Facebook posts about my progress, comparing quitting soda to a break-up with a long-time lover or ending a severe drug addiction. I got some excellent feedback. Hell, I even started sleeping better. 

Then on Day 55, it happened. I stopped at my local gas station and in addition to about half a tank of gas, I grabbed one of the Summer 2022 Mtn Dew Pineapple 20 ouncers. I chugged it in the five-or-so minutes between the store and my house. I felt like shit about buckling. Like, this was going so well, and SO EASY. How the fuck did I buckle this badly?

I didn't have to wait long for my next failure...

*****

Today, not even five days since my last cash-and-burn, I crashed and burned again. Different convenience store, different Mtn Dew flavor, different experience. This time, I knew the cashier, who knows I've undertaken a quest to quit soda, so she of course gave me shit about my purchase. As I sat there waiting for her to shut up and ring me out, the devil and angel on my shoulders quickly had the following conversation...

Devil Me: Look at you. Up and out of the house before 9 in the a.m. Cleaned up and looking fine. You should treat yourself. Get a soda. It won't kill you.

Angel Me: But what about quitting soda?

Devil Me: Don't listen to this feathered fairy. You can start fresh again tomorrow.

Angel Me: How many times are you gonna tell yourself that bullshit? You know for a fact that giving in once makes it easier to give in again and again and again...

Devil Me: Fuck this pansy! Abusing your body is fucking metal!!

Angel Me: (Deep sigh) Do whatever you want. Fuck it.

*****

When I started this, I knew I was gonna struggle. I'd act like I was trying to kick heroin or something much more severe cuz hyperbole is my favorite currency to spend. I also know how lacking in discipline I am and how that can turn tasks that would be easy for a normal non-dumbass into near-insurmountable obstacles. So yeah, this wouldn't be easy.

Yet, even with that in mind, I still think I lulled myself into a false sense of security. That was exacerbated by how easy it seemed to come this time. Sure I thought about soda a lot, and about how I was kind of unhappy without it. But I wasn't digging a soda out of a cooler, then putting it back, then digging it out again. I didn't have days of headaches and withdrawals, like I have during previous attempts. I had people cheering me on. I was gonna do this!!

But since my first failure on Day 55, I've been rolling my efforts over in my mind and some important red flags have come up. For one thing, it was easier to stay away from because I wasn't leaving the house, like, almost at all. Besides work excursions, I rarely left the house over the first 55 days. That meant I needed to stop for gas a lot less, which meant I was inside convenience stores, in close proximity to soda.

At the same time, the search for a source that gives me the same kind of joy that soda has led me to arrive that the realization that I probably can't have that kind of joy in my life anymore. I may have accepted that but I haven't figured out how to deal with it yet. On balance, this undertaking has been more difficult than I've realized, even in the midst of it.

The big fear for me right now is that I realize that buckling and cheating once make it much more likely that you'll buckle again. Buckling again facilitates re-buckling and re-buckling over and over and over in perpetuity until you're dead. I've fallen down, hard. I've really fucked up my knees and I'm bleeding and I'm really upset at myself. I'm not even sure the cheating was worth it. I mean, I've heard that you eventually get to the point where soda tastes too sweet. While I didn't really find soda to be too sweet, but after a month-and-a-half-long break, soda did taste artificial, like some kind of nasty chemical, to the point where it was really unpleasant. 

So, I guess today I'm back at that familiar pick-myself-up-and-dust-myself-off point in this process again. I'm not giving up, though. There's still a smile out there somewhere that I need to find. Cue the epic John Williams adventure music. I'm off on an adventure...