As Pretty As You Feel

Look at this fatass fuck. That right there is a guy who is feeling his full self. He's feeling like ten million bucks. That's in part because he was about to go watch Mastodon play a gig but it's also in part because of one other simple thing: at this moment this guy right here could NOT fucking care less what anyone else had to say about him. He was just enjoying the experience he was having and the people he was with at the time. Plus, this guy right here definitely enjoys hamming it up and being cheesy and acting much more badass than he actually is. 

Because of all those reasons, this is, far and away, my favorite photo of myself. Ever. This will become relevant, I promise. 

But first, into the way-back machine we jump.

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When I was in third grade, this girl Monica who was in my class told me I was ugly. I wasn't particularly fond of this girl and nine times out of ten, I couldn't have cared less what she had to say about anything.

Unfortunately, my physical appearance was a big sore spot for me back then. I wanted to be the cute boy all the girls wanted to kiss. I knew that I was pretty fucking far from being the boy, but it's what I wanted. So being told by a girl that I wasn't attractive hit me pretty hard and I've hung onto that ever since.

Not surprisingly, my physical appearance is still a huge sore spot. It's only gotten worse as I've started losing my hair. I mean, for a good, long time, sprouting hair from different areas of my head and swearing were the only things I was good at. Now, I'm down to swearing. Fuck me.

When someone does go out of their way to tell me they think I'm attractive, I usually don't believe them. Historically, people who have told me I'm attractive are either trying to manipulate me into something or they were my mom. 

Combine that with the fact that my dating life has always been a lonely, deeply disappointing affair and you have someone who feels blocked from what he wants most while watching people with no more credibility than him get what he so desperately desires. Cue the self-loathing, the depression and the hopelessness.

But sometimes, when I can turn down the volume on all the negative self-talk in my brain, I'm able to look at people around me and observe how, even if they're goofy as fuck-looking, they're not bothered by it. They find other ways to compensate for their lack of physical attractiveness. Maybe they're really funny, or good at music, or they can cook. It isn't all about having money or a rugged jawline or a giant schlong.

Unfortunately, it usually doesn't take too long before those realizations are drowned under a tsunami of negativity.  But in those moments, it clicks for me what the key to being attractive is and it has very little to do what you look like.

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It's truly astounding just how many interpersonal issues not giving a fuck what anyone thinks takes care of. 

I'm not saying one should be actively hostile towards people, cuz that creates other problems. I'm also not saying abandon the human race to the point where you couldn't care less whether or not we go extinct. That leads to nihilism and an inability to treat others with even the most basic level of dignity. Cuz, after all, there's no point in being a decent human if all we're doing is waiting for mankind to blink out of existence.

I mean not worrying about what others may think to the point that you alter your behavior. We can't be so terrified of the opinions of others that we live in a way we think they expect us to act. Living by the expectations of others is a slow, painful death. 

Beyond that, when you're living your truest life, doing your own thing and being the most authentic version of yourself, that's when you glow up. There is something irresistible about someone who is living true to themselves and not manufacturing a normie cosplay based on what others think is normal just so you can be accepted. Hell, in my experience, the acceptance never comes, so why the fuck even bother with it?

I have noticed that the most attractive people I've ever been around are the ones who just do not care what anyone else thinks. You can tell when someone is living for themself, loving who they are and doing what makes them happy regardless of what people around them have to say about it. People doing their thing and loving it have a lot more going on than shallow hotness. They shine through from a different, deeper level. They're as pretty as they feel and nobody can shake that feeling cuz nothing they say matters.

Which is exactly what's going on in that first photo. I was having fun just being myself. In that moment, I wasn't thinking about all the reasons I have to hate myself. I wasn't worried that I looked like a fat fucking slob. I was just being me. And I fucking liked it! 

That's why I think I look awesome in that photo, in spite of the fact that I was flabby, dorky and way too damn hairy. The truest, best version of me was shining like a supernova through all the bullshit and all the damage that's built up within me throughout my lifetime. I loved myself, if only for a brief moment in time. I want to be that person all the time.

Being that person, not giving a fuck, feeling my worth as a person in spite of my innumerable faults and flaws, that all takes confidence. It takes discipline of the mind, so we don't follow the depressed, self-loathing rabbit down its hole. We have to learn to let go of negative thoughts. It's easier said than done and it's shockingly easy to plant a thought that takes root in your brain and grows into a towering tree of dispair. It takes effort, energy and, most annoyingly, tons of time. But it's also freeing and totally worth it.

So that's an area I'm gonna work on: Not giving a fuck and being the truest me I can be. And y'all better be wary. If I ever get this mastered, I'mma be the sexiest motherfucker to ever walk the planet and I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike!