Still Haunted. Still Seeing Ghosts.

 

I was thinking about this project I'm working on today. It's called Unusual Idaho. It's something I'm pretty damn excited about and that I hope I get off the ground. Actually, it's off the ground, though it's a long, long, long fucking way from being finished.

Anyway, I was thinking about ideas for UI (that's what the hip kids are calling it) and a thought popped into my head. The thought that Amber would've loved this project.

You see, Amber was all into fantasy creatures like vampires, werewolves and reptilians that feed on the life force of human beings. She believed, even claimed to have had interactions with some of them. So I think she'd be into the idea of a project that centers on cryptozoology, the paranormal and the unexplained. Maybe she wouldn't be down with tackling those subjects from a comedic angle, but she'd be down with digging into the mythology and reality of those creatures, even if we're fabricating that mythology and reality as we go. I think she would really dig Unusual Idaho.

I spent a few moments entertaining the idea that Amber would love our little web series/podcast/WhatTheFuckAreWeActuallyGonnaDoWithThis and then it hit me: Even though it's been almost five-and-a-half years since the last time I saw Amber, since we last shared the same space, and she still crosses my mind. She still haunts me.

Ghosts are totally real, you guys. I'm not joking. They haunt me constantly, showing up when I least expect them to, leaving me trembling and broken. 

They just aren't the kind of phantoms the dumbasses on Ghost Adventures are trying to prove exist. Maybe those kinds of ghosts exist. Maybe they don't. I remained unconvinced. But ghosts haunting the recesses of the human mind, memories that trigger strong emotional reactions, those motherfuckers are totally real.

But we can't be haunted by just anyone. The only people who can haunt you are people who make an extremely deep impression, who reach into your very core and touch your heart. That's what Amber did to me. She was one of the pillars of my existence for years, someone I truly didn't think I could live without. Someone I relied upon even though I definitely shouldn't have.

Someone I deeply loved.

Unfortunately for me, what we built wasn't made to last. Even before she abandoned me to move clear across the country unannounced, I felt the end was coming. I wasn't feeling it anymore. I was tired of listening to her complain about all the shit in her life and how she didn't have what she really wanted and how miserable it all made her feel. I was tired of her attitude, that basically she felt like she was entitled to exactly what she wanted and that if she caused other people pain as a result of knowing her, well, tough shit. That wasn't her problem. 

She wasn't egotistical in the typical sense, but good God, was she ever self-centered and unable to see past her own misery to see how she might be affecting those around her. I don't know if she was lacking in empathy but I definitely got a sense that she didn't much care whether I was hurting or not, even when we were at our closest.

TLDR: This woman wounded me over and over, made me hate myself and even wonder if I even have any worth. And I'm still thinking about her over five years later. I'm still haunted by her. I'm still thinking about her. Someone cue up a big-haired glam metal power ballad. I think Danger Danger had one that would fit...

 

The fact is that I've slowly gotten better in the past five-plus years. Most days, I don't even think about Amber anymore. Some days, there's a vague sense that I miss her, that there's still an Amber-shaped hole in my life that may never be adequately filled. I see her in my dreams occasionally. Sometimes, they aren't even sexual dreams, just us sitting around having conversations we never had but that I probably needed to have to get closure. But she's never at the top of my mind. Hell, I had to scour old blog posts to find photos of us together.

 Then there are days like today, when I'll be working or thinking about something that has nothing to do with her and she'll pop in there. Like, what's up, asshole? Those days are the most frustrating and I usually end up being pretty pissed at myself. It's almost like some aliens with sick senses of humor scanned my brain to see which memories trigger me and occasionally beam them into my head so they can watch me fall apart when they need a laugh.

But those days are fewer and farther between these days. I also realize that the only thing worse than being haunted by someone you thought you were leaving behind is getting pissed off when one of their ghosts visits you. Why let a memory wreck your day?

And maybe having some ghosts paying you unwanted visits is the price you have to pay so you can be visited by ghosts you want to have around. I miss my brother and my niece desperately, even all these years after they passed on. If putting up with an occasional memory of Amber is the price of keeping my most cherished memories, that's a price I'm willing to pay. Not all ghosts are bad. Especially not that band from Sweden.