I'll walk with you but I probably won't enjoy it...

 People. 

I don't foresee a time when people won't be a struggle for me. It might be the anxiety that goes with trying to figure out what the people around you are thinking. Or perhaps it's a side effect of anxiety and depression and a holy fuckload of social awkwardness. Maybe it's because I'm terrified that people can see right through me and can tell what a fuck-up I am.

Or maybe, just maybe, most people are self-centered, self-interested assholes who aren't above taking advantage of you to get what they want. Myself included.

I'm sure the aftereffects of the pandemic are also impacting this, but I've spent most of my time alone for a long time. I'm a writer so I should expect that but I've become such a loner, such a recluse, such a homebody that it's not even funny. I don't want to spend the energy to get dressed, drive to where ever I gotta go and just be out in public and away from my sanctuary, my fortress of Thrashbrowns-itude. Plus, I've really gotten to the point where I'd rather not wear pants.

And yet, I've realized that nobody ever gets anywhere worth going on their own. All those billionaire jackasses who call themselves "a self-made man" are full of shit. Somewhere along the line, they were helped along by a friend, a family member, a teacher or mentor. Everyone needs help sometimes and usually the further you go, the more help you've received. Choosing to lie about how self-made you are doesn't change that.

There's a really good reason that the theme of the classic Christmas film It's a Wonderful Life is "No man is a failure who has friends." That reason? It's because that's what we're all here to do: help one another along and make each other's lives more tolerable, successful even. It's a cliche but no man is an island and those who try to be, usually end up pretty miserable.

I can't tell you how much that knowledge, that I need people and people need me to get where we want to go, vexes the fuck out of me.

When people are your biggest difficulty in life and you realize you need people if you hope to reach your potential, man does that cause some serious dissonance in your head. It shows up in situations I should feel completely equal to and causes me some incredible stress. I'm talking situations that are basic, everyday shit like conducting interviews for work or just hanging out with friends. I should've conquered these issues long ago. But I haven't and they use up soooo much energy. So very tiring.

How do I get to where I want to go when I have so much trouble dealing with people, even people I love? How do I get over the guilt of not being there for those I care about? I don't want to hate people but they keep giving me a wealth of reasons to do so. I don't want to waste my potential but I'm tired of being miserable because of other people's bullshit. Is there an answer? Can I ever deal with all the people who are so sure they're being clever when they're really being stupid? You know what they said on Spinal Tap, right?

Actually, I think there is an answer. As someone much wiser than myself once said, sometimes you just have to shit your pants, dive in and swim when you find yourself on the precipice of an unenjoyable situation, social or otherwise. Sometimes, it may be worth it to make yourself uncomfortable if it makes someone around you a better person. Don't get me wrong, you have to be very careful that you don't use yourself up and you better pay attention to any red flags that pop up. But if you can help make the people around you easier to be around, that makes your life better.

Plus, there's just something so fulfilling about helping people blossom into who they're supposed to be. My favorite memories from when I first started writing are how my friends and I built each other up, sharing ideas and feeding off that energy that arises when you're being creative in a group setting. We helped each other find the stories we wanted to tell. It was one of the best things I've ever experienced. I want that experience again, be it with old friends or a new group of acquaintances.

So I will try to push myself out there cuz there are people that need me. I want to be there for them. It will take work. Time. A massive amount of effort. I have to get it through my head that being out among people has much more potential to be much more rewarding than sitting around watching YouTube or Netflix. It will start slowly and I'm going to be doing it begrudgingly. But if you need someone to walk your path with you, I want to be your wingman. Because that might be the only way I can even grow into the best version of myself.