Thrashbrowns Loses His Religion: Pt. 1

 

The End is The Beginning

I've been kicking around the idea of blogging about what happened to my faith and why I stopped going to church for a very long time. When I finally set my mind to doing this, I decided that before we jump in the way-back machine, it makes sense to take stock of where things stand right now. And where things stand right now is... 

Hi, my name's Adam and I used to be an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You know, the Mormons? I went to church on Sunday, paid tithing, held a temple recommend and consistently studied the scriptures. All that shit. Hell, I even served a two-year church mission to Seattle, WA.  In spite of all that, I haven't attended meetings or participated in church activities on a regular basis since at least 2011.  Since I haven't asked to have my name removed from the church's records, I'm still technically a member. But my faith lapsed a long time ago.

It goes a bit further than that. When I stopped trying to live the LDS life, I stopped wanting to be a part of any organized religion. The more I learned about denominations other than the Mormons, the more I began to feel that all religions, regardless of what they believe or who they pray to, are, to borrow a phrase from my homie William Murderface, "a bunch of boring crap." Special emphasis on "crap."

That has made finding any sort of support in the area in which I live very difficult. I know that there are support groups for those who leave the church, but I have yet to find one that doesn't tackle the issue from a non-religious perspective. Every group I've ever run across employs infomercial-like enticements along the lines of: "Have you left the Mormon Church? Are you looking to have a REAL CHRISTIAN experience?" Like, no thanks, motherfucker. When I left the LDS church, I left religion as a whole.

Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends who have gone through a similar crisis of faith and aren't in the business of converting ex-Mormons into new Born-Again Christians. Talking to them, seeing the mechanisms they use to cope with being a black non-Mormon tee shirt in an ocean of fluffy pink Mormon sweaters, helps me maintain what's left of my sanity. Unfortunately, I have anxiety and depression (plus we still have this COVID-19 bullshit going on), so getting out to see my people is like trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet while blindfolded and riding a horse.

So, I came to the conclusion that I should blog about it. I thought I could condense everything down into one post, but there's way too much shit to fit all of it into just one sock. So writing these posts will become my Sunday ritual for however long it takes me to get everything out. The goals I want to achieve are several:

1. I want to release the negativity that has built up over three decades of being Mormon and that I've been carrying inside ever since I left.
2. I've always found that writing about an issue I'm struggling with, getting my thoughts and feelings out onto a medium where I can see it all, helps me understand myself and why I am how I am better. Hopefully, that happens with this.
3. Maybe someone who is struggling through his or her own crisis of faith, whether they be Mormon or Evangelical or Buddhist or fucking Rastafarian or whatever, will be able to find something in this that they can take and use to work through their own issues.

In undertaking an endeavor that deals with a subject many people I know hold to be sacred, I realize that there's a very real possibility that feelings will get hurt and offenses will be caused. (Not that anybody but Clifton and Bishop read this blog and they don't give a fuck.) So let me say a couple of other things:

• It is not my intention to bash the church or its doctrines but I'm sure some criticism that can be taken as "bashing" will be discussed.
• It is not my intention to portray all Mormons as hypocritical assholes, but this story involves a lot of Mormons who are definitely hypocritical assholes and what makes them hypocritical assholes will be dissected. I'll also talk about the awesome people I've known over the years who just happen to be LDS. But this series is about leaving the church and you don't leave the church because of the awesome people. 
• It's not my intention to get political. But I'm increasingly hearing more and more Mormons spouting bullshit propagandistic Fox News talking points leading me to believe that more and more Mormons are using their religion to justify antiquated, unjust political and personal beliefs. And if there's one thing that really pisses me right the fuck off, it's when stupid religious people think they can be shitbags cuz their religious beliefs say they can be shitbags.
• It's not my intention to employ a lot of profanity in writing these posts, but I obviously will use a lot of profanity. Cuz sometimes there's just no better way to say something.

Ok. The direction has been set. The ground rules have been established. This spaceship is departing. Even as I type this, I'm not completely sure how long this journey may be or where we will visit. But after putting it off for years due to fear of blowback and feeling inadequate to take on this task, we're finally on our way.