The 5 Most Suck-Ass Aspects of Depression and Anxiety (as chosen by me...)

 

Cue up the pop-punk. This one ain't gonna be fun but it's gotta be done. So I just need something snotty and cheerful to get me through. 

(Deep breath...)

I've been fighting with depression and anxiety for so long that I have trouble remembering a time when my mental issues didn't color how I experience the world. In that time, I've learned that while people who suffer through the D & the A have many of the same symptoms, I'm convinced that no two individuals experience it in exactly the same way. I'd wager victims of depression and anxiety have different things that they hate the most about it. Because I'm a list-making kind of cat, I decided to share my five least-favorite things to deal with because of my mental issues. Call it my 5 Biggest Fuck You's to the D & the A. In no particular order...

Forgetfulness

My depression is kinda like a sine wave, with peaks and troughs. For the past couple of days, I've been emerging from a trough and I'm realizing that while I've been down for the past three weeks, I've forgotten to take care of a whole fuck-ton of important tasks, including scheduling my COVID-19 vaccination. It's not like I didn't realize I had shit to do, but I've been so unable to focus on what's in front of me, that I've just spaced everything I need to do. And this happens all. the. muthafucking. time. How am I supposed to function my brain constantly chooses to focus on theoretical tangential shit that probably won't affect me while ignoring the very real shit that will undoubtedly destroy my life if I don't deal with it?

Everything sucks up so much energy

As a pseudo-journalist (I'm not comfortable calling myself a full-blown journalist), a huge part of my job is talking to people in the community. Holy God, is talking to people draining for me. It's like I have to ask good questions then listen to the answers while worrying whether I look like a fat slob or not, whether people are making fun of the bald spot on the back of my head, whether I'm gonna misquote the person I'm interviewing, whether people can tell I still haven't paid off my student loans and a thousand other little things that don't fucking matter.

That shit burns energy so fast you can't even fathom it. I go out for an hour-and-a-half to cover an event and I get so exhausted I have to take a week to recover. But it's not just work. It's EVERYTHING. It's going out to see friends and wondering if my friends actually like me or if they find me as annoying as I find myself to be. It's going to Wal-Mart and overthinking myself into a funk because the cute college girl browsing frozen Chinese food might have caught me scoping out her tits and thought I was a creepy old pervert. It's the massive amount of energy it takes just to get myself out the door. It's all fucking exhausting.

Obsessing over politics

I fucking hate politics. It all boils down two a bunch of old fuckbags kissing my ass so I'll vote for them to go sit in D.C. or Boise or where ever and dream up new ways to tell me how I'm too poor for my life to matter. It all started because, as someone with a life-long health condition (stupid heart failure), the state of health care in this country is a very real worry for me. 

Unfortunately, it didn't end there. Now I find myself distracting myself from spending time on worthwhile pursuits by endlessly watching political content on YouTube and flying into a rage because Jim Jordan thinks cancel culture is the biggest issue facing the country or Kyrsten Sinema is against reforming the filibuster because then she might actually have to take some difficult votes and face losing her seat. Then I get even more pissed because I know who the fuck Jim Jordan and Kyrsten Sinema are. This is what I'm doing because it's not nearly as scary as the prospect of trying to actually live a full life and failing. At least that's what the D & the A tell me...

Missing people

One thing that I've learned over the course of my COVID lockdown is that even though I don't like being social and I totally suck at it, I actually really love people and like being around them. Like almost as much as I like hanging out with my kitty cats. I often find myself missing my nearest and dearest but lacking the strength to will myself into going out to see them. I feel so shitty about this. The people I love most probably all think I hate them.

The inability to enjoy anything. Especially things I used to love

Every New Year's Day for the past five years or so, I've made a resolution to spend less time on things that destroy my spirit and more time watching great movies and listening to awesome music. And every year that passes seems to find me spending more time ingesting shitty YouTube content, being pissed off about bullshit people I don't agree with say and do and lying in bed, sleeplessly tossing and turning. 

But that's not the worst thing. The worst thing is that I can't even enjoy things I've always loved doing. Playing guitar is no longer a way to express myself (or at least learn some wicked-ass riffs). It's a fucking chore where I just fight with my instrument. I struggle to read because my goddamn brain won't shut up. Watching movies I love just gives me time to overthink about how I don't have anything in life that I really want. It's like I'm determined to suck the joy out of everything that has the slightest possibility of putting a smile on my face.

*****

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I also hate the fact that I can't sleep at night. I hate that when I do sleep, it's for like fourteen hours and I waste a whole day and I never feel rested. I hate how I doubt myself in my job in spite of the fact I've written dozens upon dozen of successful pieces and even interviewed members of Skillet, The Offspring and Anthrax (FUCKING ANTHRAX) without embarrassing myself too much. I dunno what the answers are. I don't know if I'll ever fix myself. Who knows? Maybe the answer is a lot simpler than I've been supposing it is all these years. Maybe all I need is some ice cream and a hug...