FREE!!

I was gonna post this to Facebook cuz bitching about your personal problems is kinda why Facebook exists, right? But it turns out I have a little too much swimming around in my head to fit in an FB post. So, I'll blog it. 

You guys ready? Ok. Allons-y!! (No, I didn't intend that as a Doctor Who reference and yes, I'm ashamed that I know it could be taken as a Doctor Who reference.)

Ahem. 

I. AM. FUCKING. FREE!!!!

It's coming up on six months since the last time I talked to you. It's been awful. It's added that little extra something that's made quarantine during all this COVID bullshit so much harder than it probably ever needed to be. I've missed you every day. You're never too far from the front of my mind and I think about you constantly. You still show up in my dreams. Sometimes they aren't even dirty sex dreams. Sometimes they're just cheesy shit you see in bad romantic comedies. 

I've cried over you. I've hated myself over you. I've mourned the loss of our friendship and beaten myself up over the loss of what I hoped our friendship would blossom into. I've blocked you, unblocked you, stalked you, realized how fucking pathetic I am, and then reblocked you. I've run through that whole cycle at least three or four times. Lather, rinse, repeat.

However, being locked away with my thoughts hasn't been all despondency.  I've made some important realizations and learned some important lessons. For example, I always told myself, along with anyone else who would listen, that I was never going to settle for whoever was available and who would take me. Yet, as it turns out, that was exactly what I was doing with you. I was so desperate to feel affection from someone I found attractive that I ignored red flag after red flag, not to mention warnings from friends I should have trusted more. I know I justified it by saying that sometimes you have to see for yourself and that is still true. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have listened.

Related to that, I've realized that you were nowhere close to good enough for me. I'm far from perfect. In fact, I am a dumpster fire. But you? You're something far beyond that. You're a tsunami set off by a Magnitude 10 earthquake during a Category 5 hurricane. 

When I once told you that I was fortunate to have you in my life, you told me that I was because you were a really good person. But I'm not even sure that's true anymore. The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes that you used me to get you through something you were going through with no thought for how it might affect me. That's not something that good people do. At least not good people free from serious emotional and psychological damage. 

I know I've whined a lot about how Girl X treated me but I actually think you did me dirtier. You lied to me about how you felt about me then behaved in a way that completely contradicted your words. Girl X had no self-awareness and never seemed to realize what she was doing to me. You, on the other hand, have a background in psychology and it's hard for me to not imagine that because you do, you used that to pick me out as someone you could use. It's hard for me to imagine you didn't know what you were doing.

I was thinking about all this shit and every time I've thought about it before, I've arrived at the place where I decided that no matter what went down, it was ultimately my fault for not being smarter or for being too stupid or too blind to see you for what you really are. Tonight, for the first time, I realized how inaccurate that line of thinking is. Not that I am blameless. I made mistakes. I didn't deal with you ignoring me very well. I completely overreacted to you hooking up with that British bastard. 

But it wasn't all me and you're responsible for what you're responsible for. You lied to me about your feelings for me. You ignored me constantly. You told me you'd never abandon me then you did exactly that. You made me deal with your psycho nutball "boyfriend" and your other dating drama. Your lies made me feel like I could cast the millstone of feeling unattractive off from around my neck then you threw me aside like a sack of trash and didn't make a peep as that same millstone dragged me down and nearly drowned me. If I didn't have some actual decent people in my life, as well as metal music, to help me deal with all this, I might not be here today.

But then came the real breakthrough. Accepting that it wasn't all my fault led me to the next revelation: that I no longer need to care about you anymore. I no longer need to worry about your health issues. I no longer need to spare any concern for relationships that might be causing you pain. I don't have to stress over your financial situation or that I'm not in a good position to help. None of that shit.

I. Am. FREE!!!

Now, that doesn't mean I still won't miss you or wonder how you are. I will. I will mourn for what I wish we could have become. I will probably go through several more rounds of the block/miss you/unblock/stalk/reblock cycle. But I am through worrying and stressing and dreading what you may be going through or who might be mistreating you. Through the process of time and healing, I will eventually be able to put you behind me for good and I cannot wait to get to that point. But tonight, it's enough for me to just bask in the feeling of liberation that I'm feeling right now. Cuz it feels indescribably fantastic!!!