Fatty's Pissed-Off, Brokenhearted, I-Wanna-Cry Power Ballad Breakup Songs Playlist

 

There you go.

It sure looks like Girl Y used me to fill a void in her life when a relationship with an ex-boyfriend was coming to an end. I can't prove it. I can't call up Girl Y and ask her Hey, what the fuck was up when you being all flirty and friendly with me and shit? But looking at the sequence of events that transpired between the two of us, it sure makes sense to me.

So I got played. And for what? So she'd still have someone filling that super-intimate male friend role in her life? Then she started ghosting me. For what? To ease the concerns of her bitch-ass, insecure little boyfriend? For a guy with serious mental and emotional issues? For a guy who, as Arnie told the Predator, is one ugly motherfucker? (Seriously, dude looks like Christopher Lloyd's character in Roger Rabbit when he's not wearing his glasses. There aren't many people on this planet that make me feel attractive in comparison, but this fuck sure is one of them.)

As you might guess, I'm upset. Scratch that. I'm completely brokenhearted while being filled with the fiery nuclear fury at the hearts of a thousand stars. Simultaneously. I need tunes to deal with this shit. And since I've been in an 80s metal mood, I'm thinking I need a good mix of power ballads and angry break-up jams. 80s metal-style. Get ready to wave those lighters...

1. Dio - Straight Through the Heart: A jam about putting yourself out there and being vulnerable, sung by one of the greatest metal voices of all time.

2. Skid Row - Can't Stand the Heartache: "Waste away another day, into the night/ You're at home by the phone, it don't seem right..." It's a little different now with texting and Messenger and all. But this hits uncomfortably close to home.

3. Warrant - I Saw Red: I didn't get cheated on. We were never together that way. But I still feel betrayed. I still feel manipulated. I still feel cheated. And it all leads to the same conclusion: I don't think I'm gonna love Girl Y anymore.

4. Extreme - Get the Funk Out: Instead of taking this as an anthem for telling off whiny sad sacks who complain too much, I'm taking it an as admonition.  When I'm getting to know a person and I see stuff I don't like, like a bunch of red flags and shit, I need to get myself the funk out.

5. Faster Pussycat - Tattoo: I was gonna pick FP's Gonna Walk cuz it's a heroic jam about moving on. But I went with this one cuz I think it's a better song. Also, because I relate to the "strange, lame dame" in the song. It must be cuz I too bond too quickly and intensely with prospective significant others who don't really care about me and only want to use me as a security blanket then throw me away when they're done with me. Ugh. Who needs a drink?

6. Judas Priest - Out in the Cold:  By far my favorite song off the Turbo album. Rob Halford's the great metal screamer ever, as far as I'm concerned, but here he perfectly renders that feeling of being left out and the accompanying pain. 

7. Motorhead - I Ain't No Nice Guy: Two metal gods, Lemmy and Ozzy, duet on this one. The line "my shine wore off as time wore on" absolutely kills me.

8. Tesla - Lady Luck: "I'm down on my luck/ Bitch, tell me what's your excuse..." I'm broken. I don't function properly and I fuck up a lot and hurt people as a result. But at least I'm aware that I'm broken and I'm working on it as hard as I can. Why do the people who've hurt me think they can do so and not have to be accountable for it?

9. Steel Panther - Fucking My Heart in the Ass: Ok, so this one ain't from the 80s. So what? It's totally hair metal, and it definitely captures how I feel about dating relationships in general.

10. Bon Jovi - You Give Love a Bad Name: This song has to be here. It just has to. 

11. Twisted Sister - You're Gonna Burn in Hell: This one's here just purely as some wishful thinking.

12. Megadeth - In My Darkest Hour: Pain? This song's got it. Anger? This song's got it. Bitterness? Loneliness? Spite? This song's got all those, too. All and all, a tidy summation of the cocktail of emotions I have to live with every time this shit happens to me.

13. Enuff Z'Nuff - Goodbye: Finality. Dead feelings. The knowledge that you have to move on and the sadness derived from the loss of possibilities. At the end of it all, there's only one word to say. Goodbye, Girl Y. I still want good things for you. But I also never want to see you again. Ever.