Cosmic Rays, FTW

Something rather odd happened this morning.

I got up, as I usually. I did the Three S's (shit, shower, and shave). I got dressed. As I was headed out the door, I stopped to look myself over in the bathroom mirror. 

That's when it happened. I saw someone I didn't recognize. Oh, this guy looked like me but like the Bizzaro Universe version of me. The guy staring back at me was no furry, miserable, depressed sad sack composed of cheeseburger grease and old guitar strings.  This guy looked GOOD in his sexy flannel shirt. His hair was taking on a style similar to Luke Skywalker's hair in A New Hope. A slight smile turned up the corner of his mouth.

Who the fuck was this imposter?!!

Honestly, I felt a strong resonance with the origin of The Thing from the Fantastic 4. Ben Grimm, college football star and test pilot, agrees to fly a spacecraft carrying his friend Reed Richards, as well as Sue and Johnny Storm into space. Unfortunately, their ship is hit by a storm of cosmic rays, causing it to crash. 

But the horror didn't end there, either. When the four emerged from the wreckage, they found they had sustained some incredible mutations. Reed found he could stretch his body to extreme lengths while Sue could turn invisible and Johnny could catch on fire. 

And then there was Ben. 

Ben transformed into a walking, talking pile of orange rocks. Not only was his physical person transformed, but his psyche was also scarred by his hideous physical appearance. Though he was the same person with the same soul he'd always had, his physical transformation broke him.

My experience was a little different.

Back around the end of April, I was thrown into a spiral of despondency when the woman I am still currently in love with broke my heart. I screamed, I cried, I tried everything I could think of to bout my spirits. The things that saved me were my music and a bunch of friends who tolerated my whiny bitchiness and made me feel like someone actually cared.

But I was lower than I've been since I was hospitalized for depression back like 15 years ago. In desperation, I took a friend's suggestion and connected with an energy healer. I've covered that in a previous post.  I went in completely skeptical. Hell, I'm still skeptical. 

But results are what's important and the results have been so much more spectacular than I ever could've dreamed. In fact, my mindset feels like it has been completely reset. I'm starting to look more at what I have than what I don't have. I feel capable, confident, and like I have everything I need to become the person I want to be.

It goes further than that. I feel attractive, handsome. I feel like if I get dolled up, I can fucking slay the ladies. In the past, I would never think of myself as having the potential to be sexy. Now? I'm not fucking taking sexy off the table.

I'm learning how powerful your mind can be. With the right mindset, you can look and your flaws and say "There aren't gonna end me. They're just areas I can improve." With the right mindset, you see the beauty in yourself, rather than focusing what might not be so attractive. With the right mindset, you see all the amazing shit you have, rather what (or who) you want that you don't have.

Example: Since I started thinking I'm worthy of being loved and having good things in my life, I've been able to look past people I've reached out to but aren't reaching back and see that the vast majority of people I've reached out to have not only reached back but been more than generous with their time and offerings of help and love. They've been there for me when I needed them most, and I owe them the universe for that.

So no, I didn't recognize the person I saw in the mirror this morning. This motherfucker looked like he was ready to take on the whole Empire by himself. And the best part? This motherfucker is ME!! I'm becoming a completely different person. I may look the same, talk the same and like the same things, what's going on in my head is radically different and much more healthy. 

I like this guy I saw in the mirror. I hope he sticks around for a while. He has hope and a purpose and some amazing things waiting for him down the road. And I'm glad it didn't take a storm of cosmic radiation to bring him out. It just took changing some bad ideas I've been carrying around for my whole life. It's like that Gojira lyric says: When you change yourself, you change the world. 

And when you change your ideas, you change yourself.