FASQs (Frequently Asked Stupid Questions) about Film Criticism

I had a run-in when I went to Zombieland: Double Tap the other day. A guy I'd never seen before recognized me from the photo that accompanies my movie reviews and took the opportunity to tell me he doesn't appreciate my opinion on movies. He was especially upset that I didn't rave about Hobbs & Shaw, a movie that just got too stupid for me to be entertained.

In the process of giving me a piece of his mind, the guy asked me a number of questions I've heard often enough that they've come to annoy the shit out of me. Questions I can only describe as stupid. Because I'm sick of answering these queries, I've decided to write a post that answers them all in one place. Then I can print up business cards with a link on them and just hand them out when people wanna ask me dumb shit. Here we go...

(Note: These are my thoughts and opinions. I'm only speaking for myself here.)

HOW CAN YOU BE A MOVIE CRITIC IF YOU HATE MOVIES?

Listen here, Bub. Nobody, I mean nobody, who reviews films on a regular basis does so because they hate movies. What, are you fucking high? You have to absolutely adore cinema to sit through lazy, uninspired crapfest after lazy, uninspired crapfest.

The trouble here is that I just don't like the same movies you do and you're so high off your own opinion that you can't tolerate anyone who feels contrary to you. It's a pretty common problem with the internet and all and it takes work to get over it. I've been working on it for years and I haven't overcome it yet.

So yeah, the fact that I hate a movie you love does NOT mean I hate movies. We just have different taste and that's fine. I mean, the fact that you hate Carcass or The Dillinger Escape Plan doesn't mean you hate ALL music, does it? Same concept applies here.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SOME MOVIES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN?

Um, yeah. And I've given positive reviews to plenty of movies based solely on the fact that they were fun. Don't believe me? Let me supply a couple links as evidence:

My Jumanji 2017 review.
My Shazam review
My Isn't It Romantic review

Those are three recent flicks that I gave positive reviews based primarily on the fact that they're fun. I'm sorry if I find the Fast & Furious flicks too stupid to enjoy them. I'm sorry that the Auto-tune and lifeless visuals and performances in the live-action Beauty & the Beast left me unimpressed. On second thought, I'm not sorry. I'm under no obligation to validate your feelings or opinions. If you think I am, you misunderstand what my job as a film critic is.

LIKE, WHAT IS YOUR JOB, ANYWAY?

Let me keep this answer simple, short and sweet. My job as a critic is to articulate the experience I have with a film as honestly and entertainingly as I can. That's it.

Great critics are able to accomplish the above while also teaching their readers something about the art and craft of filmmaking. I am not a great critic, but I do aspire to improve and get to the point where I'm providing my readers something more valuable than just my opinion.

SO, IS DISNEY PAYING YOU OFF?

You're fucking kidding, right? You're serious? You buy into that stupid fucking conspiracy theory? Look, if you believe big studios are paying critics off for good reviews or to trash the opposition, there's nothing I'm gonna be to say to make you believe differently. Also, if you'll buy that, I've got some oceanfront property in Montana to sell you...

I LOVED THAT MOVIE! HOW COULD YOU HATE IT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

Your experience with a particular movie has absolutely no bearing on how I react to it. Zero. Zilch. Why would it? We're all individuals with uniques perspectives on the art and culture we consume. I'm glad that you loved Movie X or that you and your daughter really connected over it, but the doesn't have anything to do with my experience with the movie. And don't expect that expressing that to me is going to make me change my mind.

WHY DON'T GET A REAL JOB?

Okay, so this one actually has some teeth. It's true that film critics no longer serve the same purpose that they used to. These, it seems people don't use film criticism as part of their process when they're deciding whether they want to see a movie or not. They use it to validate and buttress their own opinions.

That's the only reason I can find for the proliferation and popularity of so many YouTube critics who are charismatic and entertaining to watch yet don't know shit about film: Because movie fans feel validated when someone with a following agrees with them. They use that as evidence that they're right. As if more people sharing their opinions make those opinions facts. And I don't really want to be any part of that.

So why don't I get a real job? Because being a movie critic is FUN. I love going to movies. Even when it's a bad movie, I enjoy sitting in a dark theater and letting something new that someone has created wash over me. It's fun to gush about a movie I loved. It's equally fun, maybe even a little more fun, to really tee off on a shitty movie and tear it a new ass. And as long as I'm still having fun, I'm gonna want to keep reviewing movies. And I'm not sorry about that.