Death Ain't Scary Enough
Ok, so you know how I did a post a bit ago where I bemoaned having to be on a diet? Remember that? Well, I have completely fallen off the frakking wagon. I could blame the deep depression I've been slogging through the past two weeks or so. I could blame Satan for tempting me beyond my ability to resist. I could blame locusts or toads or frakking Sasquatch. But I can't because the truth is that death isn't scary enough.
I hear tell that death is strong motivator for many, Many, MANY people. People stay healthy cuz they don't wanna die. They do science to keep themselves from dying. They build monuments to themselves, write their stories down, and create works of art so their memories can live on after their bodies are worm food.
Don't get me wrong, I'm petrified of the uncertainty that comes along with death. I'm terrified of never getting everything I want to get done in life done. But, I'm not so scared that I can avoid a big greasy cheeseburger with a sh*tload of fries and a big ass soft drink. I still can't turn down pizza, pasta, and cheese-slathered Mexican food.
The root of the problem is that eating is about the only thing lately that makes me happy. And eating healthy just doesn't do it. I need 0 nutritional value. I need stuff that binds up my digestive tract for days on end. You don't get that kind of satisfaction from cale and tofu.
I guess another part of it is that life has been very rough lately, and I spend a lot of time wishing it was over. I just don't seem to be able to notch a win at all. Everything I love about life seems to be turning to sh*t right now. So death just doesn't seem very scary. There's gotta be something to hold on to. I just can't see it right now. At least when I stuff my face with junk food, my mouth wins, for a little while anyway. And all it'll cost me is my health. And possibly my life. Fair enough.
I hear tell that death is strong motivator for many, Many, MANY people. People stay healthy cuz they don't wanna die. They do science to keep themselves from dying. They build monuments to themselves, write their stories down, and create works of art so their memories can live on after their bodies are worm food.
Don't get me wrong, I'm petrified of the uncertainty that comes along with death. I'm terrified of never getting everything I want to get done in life done. But, I'm not so scared that I can avoid a big greasy cheeseburger with a sh*tload of fries and a big ass soft drink. I still can't turn down pizza, pasta, and cheese-slathered Mexican food.
The root of the problem is that eating is about the only thing lately that makes me happy. And eating healthy just doesn't do it. I need 0 nutritional value. I need stuff that binds up my digestive tract for days on end. You don't get that kind of satisfaction from cale and tofu.
I guess another part of it is that life has been very rough lately, and I spend a lot of time wishing it was over. I just don't seem to be able to notch a win at all. Everything I love about life seems to be turning to sh*t right now. So death just doesn't seem very scary. There's gotta be something to hold on to. I just can't see it right now. At least when I stuff my face with junk food, my mouth wins, for a little while anyway. And all it'll cost me is my health. And possibly my life. Fair enough.
Alright, here's my tough love. Stop it. You've been dealt some shit hands, man. No doubt about it. And I don't want you to read this and think I'm just an ass but all that shit doesn't compare to the love I've got for ya. I see your facebook and read all the people that comment and want to be there for ya. You have love piling up at your door, you just have to answer it. I know it's easier said than done and I'm not expecting some shitty movie ending where it all makes sense in one scene but it's not easy to love ya and then find that it's not felt (a feeling I know you're going through yourself). You wanna go for a walk after work? I'll be right there next to ya whenever I can. Wanna crash on a couch and BS through some crappy tv? It's open. But shutting us out and giving up on us is not something I'm willing to let happen. All we as people can do it live our lives one day at a time. Be good to others and hope it pays off and that's you. You're good people. I care for ya. I trust ya. I love ya. I hope you know that every time you're feeling lost.
ReplyDeleteThank, Clif. This helps.
ReplyDelete