On Rabbit Holes

 

"I've been obsessed and obsession isn't good" - Chef in South Park Episode 205

For a long, long, long-ass time, I've been looking for some kind of community for people who have left the LDS Church. I've been searching for a tribe, a group of people who know where I've been and understand what it's like to experience a lapse in faith. Someplace where I could find some support. 

It hasn't gone very well.

The main problem has been that I keep running into is that every group I've tried to be part of has been full of people who seem to see ex-Mormon groups as fields from which to recruit newbies to their Christian congregations. It's like "Did you leave the Mormon Church? Are you ready to have a real Christian experience?" Like, no thanks, bro.

If it's not recruiting, it's Christians who expect you to respect their beliefs and tiptoe around their delicate widdle feewings. FUCK THAT. Christians, on the whole, are super disrespectful of any beliefs that differ from theirs. And if you won't respect what I believe, how the fuck can you expect me to respect yours? Sorry, but that is not how I roll.

Anyhow, I spent years looking for a support structure for my apostasy without much success. I found a few people who'd traveled a similar path to me but I was mostly very alone. I kind of expected to be isolated and solitary, as leaving an organization in a geographical locale where the vast majority of people belong to said organization immediately makes you an outsider. Not a member of the flock. The Other.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled across a YouTube channel called My Spiritual Life. The channel is run by a young woman who grew up LDS and then left the church after experiencing a crisis of faith. She talks about subjects like feeling guilt for leaving the church, different ways the church indoctrinates its members, dealing with the sadness of losing your belief system and much more.

I watched one video. Then another. Then another. I then found similar channels with similar content. I started watching Mormon Stories and Exmo Lex and several others. I soon found that I was burning six to eight hours a day watching exmo video content. It was keeping me from working. It was keeping me from writing projects. It was keeping me from making an effort to see my friends.

I was obsessed. I had tumbled down a rabbit hole and if I didn't do something to stop myself, the rabbit hole would swallow me and I'd never get out.

At this point, I feel like I should explain something. These vids haven't altered my view of the church. These creators spend A LOT of time discussing the misdeeds of the current church leaders, the cover-up of the dark deeds of Joseph Smith and other historical church figures. They spend a lot of time calling out lies that cut to the heart of the church. For me, the truthfulness of the gospel was never the point. That's not why I left. I left because I was so unhappy trying to reconcile the person I am with what I needed to be to be a "good Mormon." And whether the church was true or not didn't make a fucking bit of difference. 

Nevertheless, I was obsessed because it was so nice to hear from people who had endured a similar faith journey and not have anyone trying to get me to join their church. I felt safe. The world we currently live in is scary, so I'll take any tiny micron of safety I can get. 

But like anything else, too much of anything can be a bad thing so I know I need to dig my way out of this rabbit hole. For one thing, it's a bit of a one-way interaction and while I don't feel so alone knowing there are so many people out there who know what's it's like to lose your faith, I don't get the feedback of understanding and empathy from a moving image on a computer screen. 

For another thing, it eats up a lot of time. Time I should be spending on achieving shit on my bucket list. Time I would be wise to spend on other things I love, like playing guitar, writing fiction, visiting friends or even just driving around through the country listening to metal really fucking loud. That's how rabbit holes get you. They restrict your vision. Your focus becomes malignantly myopic and you lose sight even of things that are most important to you. Rabbit holes entrap you, cause you to lose yourself and you cease to exist as you wither in the darkness.

And I have way too much fucking light within me to let it be extinguished by losing myself in some rabbit hole. Time to refocus my light into a beam that can illuminate my way out. Wish me luck. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Tuesday night and I'm in the mood for some late-night taco.

UPDATE: Tacos Acquired. Achievement unlocked!!