I had an interesting conversation with my mom. We covered depression, anxiety and how growing up in a predominately Mormon population affects those conditions. At length, we reached a point where I told her that attending church never gave me the feelings of peace, identity and belonging I was told I'd find in church. I told her that without metal music, I'd have killed myself a long time ago. I could tell from the pain in her eyes that that statement hurt her, like maybe it cut her that I found what I needed from religion in some other place. Or maybe she was upset that I'd ever considered killing myself in the first place.
That statement might hyperbolic, but it's true. I've lost count of how many times the right metal song has convinced me to hang on for one more day or helped me see reasons to stay alive. I've decided to document the songs and bands that have given me strength or convinced me to keep fighting. This music has saved my life. Maybe it can help you, too.
"The Arms of Sorrow" by Killswitch Engage
A song about the strife and struggle that can exist behind someone's smile, this song is stuffed full of empathy. It paints a harrowing image of the descent into despondency, including the longing for serenity and to be delivered from the pain. It's a powerful display of musical empathy and it's easy to feel comfort from the realization that someone else understands what you're going through. The fact that it's rendered in Howard Jones' magnificent voice only makes it more affecting. This song has found me at the bottom of a well of depression so many times and it's the perfect salve for heartbreak and hopelessness.
"I Hate" by Overkill
High school was rough. I don't know that it's easy for anyone, but when you're the weird metalhead wannabe in a little Mormon town, it's particularly painful. I was so angry in high school and I had no idea how to deal with it. Not until I heard Overkill. Fronted by Bobby "Blitz" Ellsworth, one of the angriest-sounding voices in rock, Overkill gave me such a fantastic outlet for my rage. The best song for letting out the anger is "I Hate," a song that should be the national anthem for angry small-town kids everywhere. This is the best tune I can think of to scream at all the motherfuckers that try to keep you down. IIIIIII HAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!
Pinkerton by Weezer
So many songs are about love or lust or sex. And they were completely impossible for an awkward weirdo who couldn't get any attention from girls to relate to. As one of those weirdos, I longed for music that captured my failures with women and their accompanying emotions in a musical context and I couldn't find any. Until I heard Weezer second album Pinkerton. A bluntly personal set of songs covering singer/songwriter Rivers Cuomo's struggle to reconcile his professional success with his inability to connect with a woman on an emotional level, Pinkerton contained song after song about sexual frustration and self-loathing. Boy, could I relate and I was so happy to find music from someone who seemed to understand how I felt that Weezer soon became my favorite band. They'd remain my favorite band for well over a decade.
"I Don't Believe in Love" by Queensryche
This one's pretty easy. The easiest, though not the healthiest, way to deal with rejection is to just pretend it didn't happen. That's what I learned from this tune. And while that approach was rarely long-lasting, for a few moments, I felt like it never happened. When it didn't work at all, I'd crank this little number from Operation: Mindcrime because it helped to hear my thought coming out of Geoff Tate's mouth. Hey, little victories. Right?
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