I LOVE Christmas. I truly do. It's usually the one time of year I actually let myself feel hopeful about anything. Like, I'm a fuck-up shackled by the hypergravity of my inability to do anything right but for a few days every year, I let myself think better things are possible.
Not this year, though. Christmas 2020 has been a nutcrusher. I've scarcely been able to bear the weight. On top of the usual season depression that comes from missing loved ones that have passed on, there's been this whole COVID-19 bullshit and the isolation and loneliness that's come with it. And trust me when I say social media has not been a suitable substitute.
But loneliness and isolation aren't without silver linings. I've been to examine my life, figure out what I really want out of it and who I want to bring with me. One situation I've spent a lot of time turning over in my head is my talent for bringing fake friends into my life, in some cases into the ranks of my nearest and dearest. As the year has worn on, many of these fake friends have gone by the wayside. Some have walked away from me. Others, I walked away from myself. I've also been cutting people out of my life who cause me an excessive amount of stress. And I've lost A LOT of friends, and some of these losses have been torturously painful.
But the valuable revelation coming out of the analysis of these losses is that I need to make friends a different way. I need to set up boundaries and be strong enough to stick up for myself when someone crosses them. So I've come up with a few guidelines to help me find more worthwhile friendships and avoid "friends" that will leave me beaten, broken and drained. Call this a list of ideas it's ok for me to live life by.
It's ok for me to not meet people I don't want to meet. I've had a lot of people tell me they know someone I should meet or that I need to be friends with their friends. I usually buckle out of a feeling of obligation. I mean, I don't have enough friends that I can start pissing off the few people willing to be seen in public with me. Yet, time and time again these relationships don't hold together, probably because obligations felt to one person aren't a solid foundation to build a relationship with a different person upon.
So, why go through it? If I don't want to meet someone, I don't have to. Regardless of how much they get talked up, it's okay for me to decline. True, I might be missing out on someone I might really get along with. But I'm a firm believer that if they're really supposed to be part of my life, the universe will find a way to bring us together when we're both ready.
It's ok for me to expect friends to expend at least some effort to keep me in their life. This summer, I lost a "friend" I felt very close to. I LOVED this person and she claimed to love me. Yet, her actions said something very different. Or rather her lack of action because she never seemed to find enough time to so much as send me a simple text.
To paraphrase Ted Mosby, if you want to keep someone in your life, you do something about it. Since friendship is a two-way street, this applies to both parties. It's ok to cut someone out of your life if you're the only one who seems to be putting any effort into keeping the connection alive. So, from here on out, I'm done with all these unequal, one-way relationships where I'm the only one doing anything to keep the friendship going. Which leads to...
It's ok for me to cut someone out of my life if they keep failing me. There's a saying that goes "When someone tells you who they truly are, believe them." People show you who they are and whether or not they value you through their actions. Regardless of what they say, their actions will usually lead you to the truth. That means that when a "friend" tells you how important you are to them but then can't find time for you, it usually means they're full of shit when they tell you what you mean to them. Believe what you see. And if they keep failing you, keep not including you, keep hurting you, then cut that tie.
It's ok for me to not let someone back into my life once they've exited it. If you've gotten to the point where you feel a need to cut that "friend" out of your life, that needs to be that. If they want back in, remember what your relationship with them was like. Because it's a virtual certainty that a renewed relationship with them will be the same shit, different day and you'll likely hate yourself for being dumb enough to let them back in. If they cut you out then want back in, you should view that with the same skepticism the guy checking IDs at a bar views fake drivers licenses.
Look, I believe with all my heart that people can and do change. It's just that it requires so much effort and energy that most people prefer to fake it. But sooner or later, the old behaviors that made you want them gone will return. It's ok to save yourself the trouble. Once someone's gone, they're gone for good. You can always get a cat if you get lonely. See?
It's ok for me to not tolerate anyone who shits on what I love. One acquaintance I chose to rid myself of this summer was someone who told me the metal music is "nothing but noise and screaming." That probably sounds petty. Maybe it is petty. But I believe that real friends respect you enough not to trash the things you love. I think that a real friend would know me well enough to know that metal has literally kept me from killing myself on multiple occasions. Nothing else helped. Not God. Not the power of positive thinking. Not even the kind words of friends. But metal reached me and convinced me to hang on and keep going. That's priceless to me. You think I'm just gonna sit around and tolerate your dumbass, lazy fucking "metal is just noise and screaming" arguments? Not anymore, I won't.
I realize I've probably broken this rule many times myself. I have had friends who love Dr. Who and professional wrestling and Nickleback, after all. I can't do anything to atone for those mistakes, but I will try harder to just shut the fuck up if I don't have anything nice to say about something my friends love. As long as they do the same.
Finally, it's ok for me to not settle for friends who aren't what I need. This is self-explanatory, but it's not something I could've admitted until just recently. I have grown to be ruthless as far as not settling when it comes to dating, possibly cuz I can't fathom a time when I'll ever start dating again. But I settle for less-than-stellar friends quite a bit. Look at me. I'm the kind of person who nobody wants around so I have to take any friends I can get. Right?
Only that shit ain't true. Just like I deserve a significant other with whom I'm completely happy, I deserve friends who actually value me as a person. I deserve friends who don't keep me around just so there's always one guy in their crew that makes them look cool. I deserve friends who have interesting shit to say and who are interested in what I have to say. EVERYONE deserves that. So why do we settle so often for phony fucks who don't feed our souls? Nuh-uh. I'm not doing that anymore. Friendship is too valuable a thing to waste on people who aren't worthy of it.
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