I Know Why You Cry

My aunt passed away this past Sunday. 

Times like these, times when you lose a part of your life are always a thick forest of thorns. You get snagged, you get ripped into and you bleed. 

My mom is having an especially hard time with it. She told me she and my Aunt were just getting to a point where they really understood and could enjoy one another. She said the same time happened with her mom. 

"I know death is just a part of life," she told me last night. "But why does it have to hurt so much."

I didn't have an answer for her. Just a hug. I'm not really the most articulate person in the best of situations and I'm basically worthless when put on the spot. I said some jibber-jabber about our loved ones always being with us as long as we remember them. It was pretty lame.

But time is such an effective salve for what ails you, even if what ails you is feeling like a dumbass. It took a few hours, but I was able to formulate a much more thoughtful, profound response.

Losing loved ones hurts not just because they're gone and you won't ever see them again. It hurts not just because they are so many things we've wanted to say to them and do with them that you'll never have a chance to say or do. It hurts not just because you'll miss them.

It hurts because they were part of you, and now that part of you has been taken away. Torn out of you. Like the villain in a slasher film slashing chunks of your flesh away. And having parts of you violently and forcibly removed from you like that hurts.

It's something I've been through every time I've lost someone, either through death or by personal choice. My brother's murder not only removed my his physical presence from my life, but it also tore away any possibility of seeing him grow up and succeed. Me niece's death from leukemia tore away any opportunity to watch her grow up. When Girl X left, she ripped out everything I thought I knew about my friendship with her and took it with her. Each time, the pain was excruciating and I've never fully recovered from any of them. 

I think losing someone also rips your reality to pieces. I've found myself questioning whether experiences I've had with loved ones I've lost even took place. Is my brother real or a fabrication of my imagination? Did I really have that beautiful, sunny day of playing in the snow or was that fiction? Sometimes, I swear dealing with whether your existence is real or not is the harshest pain of all.

So yeah. That's what I wish I would've had the capacity to say to my mom last night. Would it have brought her any peace? Doubtful. But at least she would've known that I understand what she's feeling right now.

And to my aunt, I'll never be able to repay you for what you've given me. I'll love you forever. I hope you're on your way to someplace better. May angels lead you in.